The setting: A lushly appointed office secreted behind a mini-mart/petrol station on the ground floor of a London skyscraper. (Note to IRS: The Goldman State will be writing off this completely necessary research trip as a business expense or lengthy overseas convalescence, depending on which story you buy.)
I was shocked—shocked!—to read in the Wall Street Journal late last month that a company was being sued over its claims of providing speedy internet service.
Memorial Day is the unofficial kickoff of summer and we’re now officially in a drought here in California. Until Governor Gavin Newsom declared it, we were evidently in an ex officio drought, which was a little like having a learner’s permit but not being allowed to climb into the full disaster to buckle up and go for a spin. Or having a designer need to have a licensed architect sign off on an architectural drawing in order to make it an architectural design.
If you’d like to combine getting away with getting inoculated, good news: according to CBS News, Dracula’s castle—or at least the Romanian mansion thought to have figured in Bram Stoker’s original gothic novel—is now offering free COVID-19 vaccinations for another three days.
1. SPF-A-RAMA: A three-day outdoor rock concert co-sponsored by Coppertone and the California Melanoma Research Institute. Promoters will announce details once they find out which three days in a row will be the hottest and whether Death Valley is viable as a venue. Alternate sites include Phoenix, Palm Springs and regional burn centers.
Ever since my surname was “corrected” to Goddamn, I’ve had issues with the invisible smartphone prankster I call Otto Correct. Here are some examples of hypothetical texts and how Otto might have corrected them.
If you’ve submitted to one or two anti-COVID vaccinations, you’ve probably had one or more of these reactions:
1. Zero discomfort of any sort.
While we all know that the messages in fortune cookies are mass-produced bromides, we’re still drawn to reading them after enjoying a Chinese meal—and still feel, every so often, that the message we pull out may have a special meaning for us and us alone.
All of us use cliches in our work. They save time. But what do they mean? What follows is a helpful guide of my top 20.
1.”I’ll circle back to you.”
That circle, unfortunately, will be the approximate circumference of Jupiter. Which means if we live to be very, very old—or if reincarnation actually works—that’s when I’ll get back to you.
I’ve lived in California since I was not-quite eight years old and it’s often felt like being in a TV show I joined “in progress” because its opening was pre-empted by a hockey game in overtime. (“Folks, the players have just six minutes left to beat each other senseless with their sticks and fists in the name of good sport and icy fun, so please stay with us.”)
