If your dog could talk, would it ask you things like, “Does this harness make my thighs look chubby?”—or, more likely, “Are you going to finish that quesadilla?”
Apparently, we sheltering humans weren’t the only ones who put away a few extra groceries from March 2020 to March 2021, the pandemic period also known as The Year Of Living Microwavically.
According to a reliable though anonymous source, I’m a ”selfish walnut.”
The accusation was leveled at me a few weeks ago when I took what I thought was the last available parking space at the Jensen Botanical Garden in the town of Fair Oaks, California, just outside the capital but still in Sacramento County.
I used to compliment people on their eyeglasses. It was a throwback to my childhood when some kids were forced to wear them and, for the most part, weren’t happy about it. It was an easy way for me to make someone feel less self-conscious, no doubt in the hope they would then grow up to…
One of my all-time favorite insults is, “You had just one thing to do.” It’s usually followed by meaningful dots, also called ellipses if your aim is to impress. If it is, here’s another tip: Never pronounce “niche” as “nitch.” Instead, say “neesh.” Your social status will improve immediately (unless you have one of those ill-fitting-denture-caused spray lisps, like the late Dear Abby or her sister, Ann Landers, who used to urge troubled correspondents to “stheek profethshional help—and while you’re at it, get yoursthelf a towel”).
The trouble with watching a film noir on Turner Classic Movies late at night is that it makes me want to go out and buy unfiltered cigarettes, whiskey and a Fedora. Not only that, but also smoke, drink and wear them, in that order.
The third only causes hat-hair, which looks worse on me than even hatless hair. But how deadly could the first two be?
Turns out that drinking coffee may lower, not increase, your risk of heart failure. (It may lower my own risk, as well, but I’m always thinking of you first. That’s just how I roll.)
As we’ve learned, I’m a dinosaur who just happens to wear pants and has a mortgage.
Examples: I have a desk calendar (paper) and don’t enter any appointments in my cellphone. When people send me meeting confirmations in Outlook, they show up on my computer as completely blank messages, possibly because I don’t use Outlook. This also explains why I’ve never won the Lottery. I’ve never bought a ticket.
The suggestion by health officials last month that wearing either two masks or one stretched very taut—in essence, oral Spandex—caused a ripple of annoyance in some quarters. For me, though, it took me back to the days when a man could buy a suit that came with two pair of pants.
Are you a night owl, morning lark or bird of another feather?
Here are two questions to help you determine if you’re a true night owl:
The announced closure of a Sears department store in California’s capital ignited my anecdotalometer.
Anecdotalometers are memory triggers: launchpads for flights of remembered fancy.
