Sneaking a Peek at Peaks

We’re at our best at different ages. Also: the sun rises in the east

By Ed Goldman

A provocative headline in a recent issue of The Wall Street Journal asked, “When Do We Peak Mentally and Physically?” Since I was reading it at 7:30 a.m. while brewing a pot of coffee, meaning I had yet to consume any, I knew the answer: “Not now.” 

I could have added “Duh” to that response but felt that in the spirit of fairness—headline writers at the WSJ have no idea when I read the paper—I should adjudge them not guilty of complete stupidity (though they remain persons of interest, should this reach the trial stage).

Besides, the article dealt with people’s peak years, not hours. 

“Elite swimmers peak in their early 20s, power lifters peak at 35 and equestrians later still, on average,” wrote Clare Ansberry in the “Turning Points” column of the paper’s Personal Journal section. 

1. What’s with that adjective, “elite”? Do middle-class and blue-collar swimmers peak at different times of their lives than the elite ones? Do the “elites” hail from wealthier backgrounds? Are they the ones who have their entire bodies shaved by members of their household staffs to increase their speed in the water? Does that seem fair just because some less-elite swimmers can afford neither shaving servants nor a Bolin Webb X1 Prestige Fusion5 Carbon Razor and Stand Set®? And does wearing blue collars slow down the working-class swimmers?

2. When did “weight lifters” become “power lifters”? Did the entire lexicon change whilst I slumbered? Are the airlines now going to impose a “power” limit on my luggage? Will this become an expression—”That poor guy’s carrying the power of the world on his shoulders”? Will something be “worth its power in gold”? Will a slacker be accused of not “pulling his power”? Will a big-shot be said to be “throwing his power around” (well, that sort of works with either word, doesn’t it)?

Most alarming of all, will my favorite radio show be renamed “Power, Power, Don’t Tell Me”? (You might have to say this one aloud for optimal laughs.)

3. It’s one thing to think about when equestrians peak, but why didn’t the WSJ find out when the horses reached their peak? That’s a pretty available statistic (4.5 years old, according to the website racingquestions.co.uk, which you’d think should know). 

I mean, who cares about riders who can’t even agree on a year they reach their peak? “Later still” is not exactly definitive—as any spouse who was ever asked the question “How late are you going to be home, like in an hour? Two hours?” and replied, “Later still” could testify. That’s not a valid response, chum. It’s an invitation to be served. And I don’t mean drinks and dinner.

Back to the story: “People reach their various physical peaks at different times for different reasons, according to the studies… Physical attributes can play a role, too. Women have less muscle to lose, and peak at younger ages than men in muscle-intense sports like swimming.”

Ah. Please remember before you send me nasty texts and emails, or dispatch aggravated messenger puffins to my door, that the article I’m quoting was written by a woman, not a male jock-turned-sports-commentator—one of those guys who participate in panel discussions with two guys and one token woman, all wearing the same logo-emblazoned blazers and golf shirts and begin sentences with, “See, your basic woman, Biff, she’s not gonna be swimmin’ your basic medley relay—your backstroke, your breaststroke, your butterfly, and your freestyle—much past the age of 26.”