Ryan Seacrest Controls The Universe

“Wheel of Fortune” Goes for a Spin

By Ed Goldman

Ryan Seacrest has been named the new host of “Wheel of Fortune,” the long-lived game show designed for the hard-of-thinking. 

By most calculations, this pretty much makes him Earth’s Eternal Emcee.

After all, he already hosts or produces, among other shows, “Live with Kelly Ripa and Whoever’s Available,” “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Zombie New Year’s Eve” and “Keeping Your Lunch Down after Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

I’m wondering why the Republican Party doesn’t draft him to be its Presidential nominee or, at the very least, the winning candidate’s co-host (oopsie. Vice-President).

Join us now for a secret glimpse of how national leaders are chosen in the land of amber waves:

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE (RNC) CHAIR: “Ryan Seacrest”? That’s his real name? I think I stayed there on a trip to Ireland. On the coast, isn’t it?

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: That was the Connemara Sands Hotel & Spa. They sound alike, Chief.

RNC CHAIR: That was my feeling.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: You really don’t know who Ryan Seacrest is? He’s on, like, every single regular and cable TV network, every local TV affiliate, all of the country’s radio stations, several of his own podcasts and even select milk carton “missing” alerts.

RNC CHAIR: What’s he doing on milk carton “missing” alerts when you say he’s everywhere?

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Presenting the missing person. He’s a born emcee. A little like Ed McMahon’s “Heeeere’s Johnny”—except with the cartons you substitute “Wheeeere’s” for “Heeeere’s.” Like “Where’s Waldo?”

RNC CHAIR: How the hell do I know? And who the hell is Waldo? And by the way, where the hell is Johnny? How long is he going to stay on vacation until they meet his salary demands at NBC?

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Maybe forever.

RNC CHAIR: Tough negotiator. You gotta admire that. Well, NBC oughta call Jack Paar and offer him the show again. That’s the strategy I’d use.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Admiration doesn’t begin to describe the feeling I have working beside you, Chief.

RNC CHAIR: Now, now. So tell me: Does our Oppo Research tell us anything negative about Ryan Seaboard?

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Crest.

RNC CHAIR: “An effective decay preventive dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.” Can’t believe I remember that commercial after all these years and my gum-replacement surgery.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Yes, sir. — Well, Ryan may or may not be gay.

RNC CHAIR: Well, which is it?

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: He’s pretty coy about that, Chief.

RNC CHAIR: Then he’s gay. Why would anyone be coy about being straight?

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: God, I’m learning so much from you. This may turn out to be the Greatest. Internship. Ever. Were you able to sense the periods I put between Greatest, Internship and Ever?

RNC CHAIR: Of course. I’m impossibly hep.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Hip?

RNC CHAIR: Oh, much better since replacement surgery. Thank you for your concern.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: ???

RNC YOUTH: I wonder if we’re getting closer to full-body replacement surgery. As a country, I mean. Make a note of that, will you? Might be good for the GOP platform to advocate for funding that—you know, to counter-balance our collective hatred of the health sciences.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: So noted. And may I just add: joyously.

RNC CHAIR: Good. Now, listen, my non-binary youth: A little sexual ambiguity in a candidate may be a real plus come 2024. The country, or at least 49 percent of it—according to the latest ABC/Washington Post/Christian Science Monitor/My Weekly Reader poll—may very well be tired of having a guy in the White House who’s so undeniably straight.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: Trump. Sure, I can see as how—

RNC CHAIR: I’m talking about Biden, kid. If they complimented Trump on his intellect, tan or hair, he’d go to bed with a wildebeest, Yeti, slightly woozy yak or Tucker Carlson. He’s not straight. He’s Rowdy Yates.

YOUNGISH GOP DELEGATE: ???