Your July 4th Glossary, A Day Early

Don’t you love homonyms? Don’t you wish everybody did?

By Ed Goldman

ALL HANDS ON DECK!”—The horrified cry heard at the marina after some very drunk rich guys set off fireworks from the hold of their yacht to describe the visual outcome.

“STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER!”—Perhaps the most ill-conceived fashion advice since Donna Karan suggested matadors taunt bulls by accessorizing their ensembles with madras capes. “You’ll never know who bled first!” was the unfortunate rallying cry.

AMBER GRAVE OF WAYNE’S—An unintentionally disrespectful attempt by the American Lung Association to call out the late American actor John Wayne for smoking cigarettes by installing a caution signal on his tombstone.

“JOSE CAN U.C.”—A failed public service announcement by a California university to recruit more Latino students in order to satisfy its Diversity Equity & Inclusion optics. “Hispandering at its worst,” according to the Mexican Embassy, Italian Antidefamation League and Jews4Jesus.

INDIE PENITENTS DAY—A sorry attempt to create an atonement holiday—similar to the aforementioned Jews’ Yom Kippur, the Catholics’ confession-on-demand and the politicians’ “mistakes were made”—for non-studio filmmakers to apologize for their exceedingly pretentious movies. Plans for a tribute to the late Jean Luc Godard had to be scrapped—but a documentary featuring incoherent flash-cuts of the process has been making the rounds.

INDY PENNANTS DAY—When people new to calendars but not to Jack Daniels wave flags on July 4th to celebrate the Indy 500—which was held on May 28th. Also the way those very drunk rich guys pronounced the event they’re commemorating shortly before they blew their hands off.

YANKEE DOODLES—A recently uncovered trove of drawings by New York City’s most famous ballplayers and possibly worst artists since the word was first modified by the adjective “rap.”

ALL DA BASTARDS’ CITIES GLEAM—An intended lament by Brooklynites who can’t understand why there’s better Christmas lighting in New York City; Paris, France; Kobe, Japan; and Melbourne, Australia. Coming on the heels of their suggested reworking of Hamlet’s famous monologue as “To be—or what?” this attempt to gain cultural traction skidded off the pop runway.

PARADE ROUT—What Florida police are expected to do to participants dressed in drag at the next PRIDE event. (Governor Ron DeSantis has also said he intends to cancel the Ru Paul & Rand Paul v. Lindsey Graham & Insta-Gram catfight that weekend though early ticket sales were characterized as both “brisk” and “fabulous.”) 

“UNCLE, SAM”—This fainthearted plea, from an elected official sitting for an intense interview by ABC-TV’s now-retired Sam Donaldson, is replayed every 4th of July in the assisted-living home of Sam Donaldson.