Jan 24, 2024

Have a Political Question? Ask Polly Sigh!

She’s sworn to secrecy about Ron DeSantis’s elevator boots, however

By Ed Goldman

Today’s special treat: Your political questions answered—no matter how unimportant, biased or misleading—by Dr. Polly Sigh, a longtime scholar who can be depended on to begin sentences at cocktail parties with “As a longtime scholar…”

She appears here today through a special arrangement with the FBI’s Witness Protection Program, whose mid-level managers accept most major credit cards.

– Dear Polly: Is there a reason Congressional Republicans waited so long to expel George Santos? — Working on a master’s degree in Situational Self-Righteousness, Harvard University

– Dear Working: “Honor among thieves” (Cicero).

Edgy Cartoon

Unreliable source

– Dear Polly: And yet, according to Proverbs 21:10-11, “There is no honor among thieves.” – Still Working on a master’s degree in Situational Self-Righteousness

– Dear Still Working: That’s because Proverbs was up past his bedtime that night, which is usually 20:30-35. On top of that, someone stole his My Pillow.

– Hey, Polly! I’m 74 years old and would like to run for President. What are my chances? – Martha L., Kenosha, Wisconsin

– Dear Martha: You’re too young, dear. Wait a few.

– Ms. Polly, I just saw your photo on the DC Chicks website and was knocked out, Babe. How do you feel about the *Me, Too movement? – Guy Lemon, a few doors down from your apartment

– Dear Guy: I feel you just entered the movement, Guy—but on the enemy side, sorry to say. You also should be aware that my husband, the rather hirsute MMA wrestler whose stage name is Godzilla Gorilla, will be dropping by your place momentarily to discuss your future. I’m sure it will be a short discussion.

– Polly, Old Girl! Why doesn’t the U.S. adapt the government structure of Great Britain? – Lord Reginald Smythe-Haversham, Cornhole-on-the-Thames

– Dear Lord! As it happens, a number of our male elected officials already wear wigs, mispronounce French words and refuse to floss, just like you Brits. Why, it’s sometimes as though we never left Merrie Old England.

– Hi, Polly. I’m sick of telling my friends that Donald Trump won’t be anything like Mussolini when he’s re-elected. I can use some help coming up with reasons. – Weak on Research, Boulder, Colorado

– Dear Weak: As a longtime scholar I can easily cite three significant differences between Mussolini (Il Duce) and Trump (Ill-Advised): (1) Trump is taller; (2) Mussolini’s the only one of the two who can spell Mussolini; and (c) from a leadership standpoint, Mussolini famously made the trains run on time in Italy, whereas Trump is taller. 

– Dear Polly, Who Robespierre?- Learning Haiku in Spearfish, South Dakota

– Dear Learning: His tailor. His stable boy Clotheshorse.

– Dear Polly: Should I be influenced by celebrities about the dangers of climate change? – Wannabe Greener 

– Dear Wannabe: Consistency counts. When the singer/songwriter Sting visits the Rain Forest wearing his glasses, he’s serious. When he doesn’t, he’s just a Jonas Brother who missed his flight out of New Guinea.

– Yo, Polly! Like, my folks are telling me TikTok may not be the best source for news and information just because it’s owned by China. This upsets my friends and me. I mean, like, Chinese people own Chinese restaurants and they’re great sources for egg foo young and stuff. (Btw, listen to my podcast!) – Gen Z Member

 Dear Gen: Get out of the basement, go upstairs and take a bottles of body-wash from your parents’ shower. Pour some in your eyes and drink the rest. Call me if there’s any change.

– Dear Polly: Is “woke” a verb, noun, adjective or adverb? – Retired English Teacher, Watsonville, California

– Dear Retired: Yes.

– Dear Polly, Who will be the winner and who will be the loser in this year’s Presidential contest? – Not Exactly Nostradamus, Waco, Texas

– Dear Not: The winner will be the news media. The loser will be the American people. This happens every four years. It’s what we call the election cycle.

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Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).