Merry Christmas from “73 and Me”!

Yes, we’ve started our own genealogical research site

By Ed Goldman

Like some of you who perform essential services, I’m hard at work this Christmas Day. The difference is that what I’m doing isn’t essential in the least, except to my income. I’ve decided to start my own genealogical research site, “73 and Me.” 

I’ve named the site in honor of my birthday last month. The idea grew out of my dissatisfaction with some recent findings by “23 and Me”—that my ancestor was either a tour guide for the Seven Lost Tribes of Israel or the musical director of the halftime show at Rome’s infamous Circus Maximus (“Lions and Tigers and Christians, Oh My!”). There was also a bonus, if half-hearted, suggestion that my real grandfather might have been Howard Cosell, but I rejected that outright. I mean, get real.

The mission statement for “73 and Me” is this: “We will conscientiously search every family archive, every DNA sample, every high school yearbook and every episode of your favorite TV shows when you were a child to produce a document that somewhat pulls together some hard truths about whence you came and why they said ‘whence’ instead of ‘from where’ back then. 

“If, after reviewing the document we produce, you’re less than totally satisfied, which we’re pretty much expecting, you can have your choice of us creating a totally fictitious genealogical back-story for you or providing a coupon for half-off your next order of Arby’s new King’s Hawaiian Sweet Heat Sandwich and Loaded Fries, which the chain introduced on Monday March 27 of this year and still has a few that haven’t sold. Horsey sauce extra.”

Here’s a recent example of our work:

THE REALITY: Dale Dewlap, a partner in the law firm of Dewlap, Jazzpatch and Marinade, was convinced that he descended from either Barbary pirates or one of the iterations of the Dahlia Lama. Sadly, our research indicated his great-great grandfather and his great-great-grandmother were partners in a vaudeville act, Zeyde and Bubbe (affectionate terms for grandpa and grandma in Yiddish) which featured rapid patter, spinning plates, yoyo tricks and a segment in which they offered unsolicited marital advice to audience members. 

We’ve established beyond a doubt that when sound was introduced to motion pictures in 1927 with the premier of “The Jazz Singer” Zeyde and Bubbe went to see it. It’s unclear whether they also had a bite to eat before or after. This is all we had to work with.

THE “73 and ME” TAKEAWAY: Using trick photography, a falsified driver’s license and a Chinese laundry ticket from 1927, we produced a document showing that Zeyde worked as a photo stand-in for the Dahlia Lama when “the Precious Conqueror” was too tied up to make it to a shoot. Meanwhile, Bubbe was the inhouse tailor, medic and waffle-maker for Hayreddin Barbarossa, one of four brothers who were the most famous of the Barbary pirates. While details of their passages to America from Tibet and Turkey, respectively, may be lost to the ages, Zeyde and Bubbe met in America, really did create the aforementioned vaudeville act and definitely went to see “The Jazz Singer.”