A gathering of my favorite theorists

By Ed Goldman

ITEM: A fast-food loving bear stole a $45 Taco Bell order from the front porch of a home in the Orlando suburb of Longwood moments after the Uber Eats driver delivered it, an Orlando television station reported. The criminal was a black bear estimated to weigh 300 to 400 pounds — CBS News.  

Two of the world’s greatest fictional detectives are in my living room to solve a perplexing case: a bear’s doorstep theft of Taco Bell meals and, in a sudden return visit, the intended beverages.

Because there’s doorbell video of the crime, no one doubts that the bear did it. And yet…

“I gotta say, it’s refreshing to not haveta say ‘alleged’ before the word ‘perp,’” says LAPD’s famous TV cop Lieutenant Columbo. “Mrs. Columbo has been gettin’ so tired of dat.”

“A brilliant observation, Leftenant,” says Sherlock Holmes as he fills an enormous briar pipe with what, when torched, turns out to be a rather acrid-smelling tobacco—a mixture equally redolent of damp British moors and unwashed gym socks.

“Uh, it’s pronounced LOOtenant, not LEFtenant, sir,” Columbo politely corrects him.

“My apologies, Old Man,” says Holmes. “It’s how we pronounce it in England. But then, you’d know that, seeing as how your deliberately rumpled raincoat is actually from a Savile Row outlet store in Mayfair, which you must have popped over to purchase while filming your 1972 episode ‘Dagger of the Mind’ in London.”

“Dat’s amazing,” Columbo says, dramatically grabbing his hair as though doing so will prevent his brain from falling out. “How’d you do dat?”

“Elementary, my dear Columbo,” Holmes says with a smug chuckle (the worst kind). “You have a copy of the London Times protruding from your jacket pocket. The headline is about the first Pride March held in the UK. That was in July of 1972, if memory serves. And in my case, of course it does. So you either just bought it on your way here or you’ve carried it in your pocket all these years for some reason I would hope is largely irrelevant. There’s enough speculation about Watson and me, as it is.”

“Just amazing, sir,” Columbo says. “I guess you’ll solve da case of da Taco Bell bear all right. An’ your pal Doctor Watson will write about it. By da way, I thought him and you always travel together.”

“He should be along shortly, Leftenant,” Holmes says—if you ask me, which you probably won’t, a bit uncomfortably. “Anyway, it’s rather clear from the video that the case is sol—“

“Oh, is it?” Columbo says, standing a little straighter and relighting a cigar that smells even worse than Holmes’s pipe. “Take a closer look at da video, Mister Holmes. Notice anyt’ing unusual?”

The three of us do so. “I must say, Columbo, I don’t see anything out of the usual.”

“Notice da zipper on da bear’s back? Dat ain’t his spine, sir. Dat’s a zipper. It’s a guy in a bear suit, not a bear. I can see dat even though one of my eyes is glass.”

Holmes stares closely and though it seems he’s going to be embarrassed, he instead claps Columbo on the back. A bit hard, it seems.

“That kinda hurt, sir,” Columbo says.

“Of course it did, Leftenant. You walk in a constant stoop on your show. In fact, you have the posture of a question mark. Now look back at that video. Notice the bear’s stride. Coincidence?”

“But he’s walkin’ on four legs,” Columbo says. “I just wrecked my back playin’ pool as a kid.”

“Nonsense! I suggest that you, in fact, are the man in the bear suit in this video!”

“But that’s ridic–“

My doorbell rings and who should it be but Dr. John Watson, Holmes’s chronicler, roomie and possible plus-one. He carries in one hand a very large empty bag that still smells of hot sauce. In the other, he holds the bear-head cowl he’d presumably been wearing when he snatched the doorstep dinner. But he looks ill.

“I say, Watson, what’s this all about?” says Holmes.

“Oh, Holmes,” he says, contritely and woozily, “I’m afraid I stole all the Taco Bell food, ate it and now am quite sick.” Then he turns to me. “You do have a loo, I presume?”