Auld lang lyin’

Or, look back sans anger

By Ed Goldman

Today’s column, the final one of 2023, is meant to remind you of the ones you read, ignored or deleted so fast your doing so was a blur.

In JANUARY, we looked at Gmail auto-replies to memos—like “Sounds good,” “Let’s talk more about this” and “Will call to discuss this later.” Among the alternate ones we suggested was this: “I will be out of the office from February 1, 2023, to February 1, 2025—2024 if time-served and good behavior still count for anything in this much-too-litigious society.  I will not be available for emergencies at any address or phone number.” (01/06/23)

Among our FEBRUARY concerns was the expression “red flags,” as in, when you should know your relationship isn’t going to go well. We proposed several telltale statements to watch for, among them:  (a) “You didn’t tell me you were an Oath Keeper when you came with me to my ACLU fundraiser.” (b) “How was I to know that all these people we run into who know your name met you at an AA meeting?” (c) “You introduced me to a woman you said was your aunt, not your parole officer.” (02/06/23)

MARCH saw us focusing on the expression “one-off,” which led to our ruminating about the coinage “hard stop,” which used to denote that something was faulty with your car’s brakes but now means when you absolutely/positively/really-really-really/swear-to-God need a meeting you’re chairing or attending to end. Some people, we observed, also use “full stop” to mean the same thing we tried to convey when we’d end an argument by saying the word “period.” In the Bronx, where I was a kid, “period” was “End of story.” In New Jersey, it was rendered slightly more vulgarly though the intent was the same: stop the #$@&%*! talking awready!) (03/13/23)

Then there was APRIL’s fascination with now-obsolete phrases such as: (a) “It’s for you,” a common remark in homes that had a land line and more than one occupant; (b) “Be home in time to watch the show.” Why? We can see any show anytime we want or tape it to watch later. The idea of “appointment television” went out with the first VCR; and (c) “Did you wish to rent an automatic- or manual-transmission car?” (04/14/23)

By MAY, I became obsessed with this revelation: CBS News reported that lab-grown chicken “has taken a step closer to hitting American grocery stores”—and that the FDA has cleared “cultured chicken cell material” as “safe for use as human food.” Having never met a cultured chicken, I invited one to come to my office for an interview. You can read all about it: (05/22/23)

JUNE brought us a close encounter of the hard kind—when a meteorite chunk estimated to be 4.5 billion years old crashed through someone’s bedroom window. All I could think was: Why didn’t I lay down a bet on this happening sooner or later? Can you imagine what the odds would have been? Let’s do the math (which for once, really means “Let’s do the math”): One chance in 100 billion. This was according to wired.com, the website where I go to for all my physics updates. (06/16/23)

Then there was JULY, when we learned that USPS mailboxes—mainly freestanding ones, not the ones inside buildings—have been getting robbed by thieves armed with nothing more than industrial-strength vacuum cleaners. This resulted in the Post office modifying a number of its boxes, the result being that what was once a mail slot now resembled the mouth of a very terse dog or a stocky person who swallowed a harmonica. (07/19/23)

In AUGUST it was reported that the travel industry, specifically American Airlines, was indignant about our no longer taking enough pointless business trips. “We’re simply not booking our fair share of flights to allow the airlines to meet a mysterious quota that allows them, in turn, to offer companies deep discounts on tickets,” we reported—adding, “We should be ashamed of ourselves.” (08/16/23)

SEPTEMBER saw us pondering this: “Two electric vehicles caught fire after being submerged in saltwater churned up by the storm (Hurricane Idalia),” reports CBS News. “Firefighters in Palm Harbor, Florida, cited the incidents, both of which involved Teslas, in warning owners that their rechargeable car batteries could combust if exposed to saltwater. …The warning also applies to electric golf carts, scooters and bicycles.” But what, we asked, if you drive a car that’s not all-electric? What if it’s a hybrid—part electric, part gas? Will flooding cause it to become saltwater taffy? (09/11/23)

By OCTOBER, we were simply agog to find that J.M. Smucker wanted to buy Hostess for $5.6 billion, allowing this was great news if: (a) You’ve always craved a raspberry jam cupcake but none was to be found; (b) You sell diabetes home-testing kits and were having a down period, sales-wise; or (c) You were a dentist who’d all but abandoned the cavity-filling segment of his or her practice (even though your industry managed to mitigate the advent of fluoride by inventing plaque and floss). (10/16/23)

Then there was NOVEMBER, which brought the news that Norwegian, Carnival, Disney and other companies were buying up secluded spots in the Bahamas and Caribbean, according to the Wall Street Journal (my go-to source for all things maritime). “Apparently not satisfied with causing COVID outbreaks only at sea, cruise lines are now buying private islands,” we summarized. (11/27/23)