McDonald’s Has a New Spin-off (Besides Your Digestion)

CosMc’s makes its long-unheralded debut in the Lone Star State

By Ed Goldman

Apparently restless to change its “concept” from “Overly salted, oily dreck at an affordable price,” McDonald’s, the Malnutrition Mecca nearing retirement age, has begun to introduce a spinoff eatery, CosMc’s.

To me, CosMc’s sounds like either a costume convention for rappers or a talent agency for toastmasters owned by the comedian once called “America’s Dad” before America found out Dad was drugging and sexually assaulting young women, resulting in the forfeiture of his title.

Dont forget the over-head

CosMc’s is neither of the above (which is something you’d say if you didn’t like the bungalow options when you got to Heaven). Instead, it’s “a space-themed brand,” according to The Wall Street Journal, “designed to deliver a beverage-heavy menu through take-out-focused locations built with multiple drive-throughs.” In the next few months, there may be nearly a dozen CosMc’s test-marketed in Texas, proving some abortions in the Lone-Star State are legal.

I’m using rough language because as someone who’s done a good deal of marketing and branding, I’m stunned by one of the boneheaded decisions McDonald’s has made with its galactic brasseries: They won’t be serving French fries.

Mon dieu! Sacre stupid!

What is the singlemost popular food item people flock to McDonald’s for—McFlurries? McFish sandwiches? Non, cherí, it’s the FRIES, the delicacy described by the website carbmanager.com (a real thing) like so: “McDonald’s French Fries Large (1 serving) contains 66g total carbs, 60g net carbs, 24g fat, 7g protein, and 510 calories.”

Despite that (or maybe because of it), I’ve sought out and savaged my way through identical orders of McDonald’s fries in at least nine of the continental United States—as well as Paris, France, where I found them tastier than the country’s own pommes frites.

To digress: You may recall that two of our former Congressmen, miffed because France didn’t support the U.S. invasion of Iraq, insisted that French fries be rechristened Freedom Fries in 2003. These men of vision—Bob Ney (R-Ohio, resigned 2006) and Walter B. Jones (R-North Carolina; died 2019) were so emboldened by their patriotic fervor that they also courageously told the three cafeterias in the House of Representatives to start calling French toast Freedom toast. Don’t know if they got around to renaming French vanilla ice cream or whether aggressive smooching was thereafter to be referred to as Freedom kissing. I’ll put our research department on it.

CosMc’s is named after an extra-terrestrial mascot I somehow missed ever hearing about. I was vaguely familiar with the other McDonald’s mascots some years back, like Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar, likely because they were all over kid’s TV and I had a kid. There was also some sort of ogre-like creature named Evil Grimace who was modified into a cuddly plush-toy because he evidently scared the frites out of kids.

Another thing you won’t find at CosMc’s is a bathroom. The company isn’t required to provide one because the new business is only a drive-through. This seems cruel when you consider that CosMc’s specialties are liquid—such enticing concoctions as Island Pick-Me-Up Punch, Churro Frappé, Tumeric Spiced Latte, Tropical Spiceade and Berry Hibiscus Sourade. Those are neither my lips you hear smacking nor my salivary glands gurgling. Every one of these sounds suspiciously like the “flavored” fluid you’re required to drink three glasses of the night before your colonoscopy.

I realize that’s distasteful to mention—but so was Berry Hibiscus Sourade.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).