A Redaction Reduction Reaction
A visit from the Dept. of Injustice, Insecurity and Indignation
By Ed Goldman
As we’ve been learning, no one in American life is above the law, though some are more orange, dumber and pudgier than the law.
The FBI sweep of the home of one-term, set-a-bad-Precedent Donald Trump—who lives in a Florida estate alternately referred to as Mar-Duh-Ego, Hurts Castle, the Charles Mansion, Chez-It-Isn’t-So, the Palace of Lyin’ Arts, and the Taj My-Haul—produced dozens of boxes of classified information, according to the federal Department of Injustice, Insecurity and Indignation (DIII).
🎶”Please redact me/Let me go…”🎶
The DIII is one of the most trusted agencies in the government, according to government agencies which aren’t as trusted, so take their praise with a grain of sodium.
Among the DIII’s divisions is the Reaction and Redaction unit, famed for having partially blacked-out signs on their office doors. Well, through some string pulling, influence peddling and outright bribery (in-right bribery wasn’t an option), this column was able to get one of its agents to sit down with us and explain its mission.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: Welcome to our offices, Agent—I can’t quite make out your badge—”ith?”
AGENT ITH (Good-naturedly): Well, it’s Smith. I don’t go in for all that S and M stuff! (Laughs) And you media types say we have no sense of humor.
TGS: You may have misheard that, Agent Smith. It’s no sense of rumors.
AGENT ITH: You’ll edit that out of this transcript, correct?
TGS: Oh, absolutely. No one has just read this.
AGENT ITH: Well, that’s a reief.
TGS: What’s a “reief?”
AGENT ITH: Relief. I just got the “L” outta there. (Laughs again) I don’t think we get enough credit for our wit.
TGS: Well, probably half-credit.
AGENT ITH: Thanks, I–Wait, a sec. I saw what you did there. You mean I’m a half-wit. I hope you’ll also redact this exchange in the final column.
TGS: Oh, count on it..
AGENT ITH: One, two, three, four–
TGS: What are you—?
AGENT ITH: I’m counting on it! Jesus, you don’t find all of this insanely funny?
TGS: Inanely. Yes. —Look, my readers want to know how your unit—
AGENT ITH: No, I said “insanely,” not “inanely.”
TGS: I know. I just wanted to get your S outta here as soon as possible.
AGENT ITH (Laughs, begins to choke, blows nose involuntarily, catches his breath): Hey, you’re fun. We oughta put together an act and, you know—
TGS: Take it on the road.
AGENT ITH: Yeah, that’s the expression.(Considers) Or are you telling me to “Beat it?”
TGS: Rhymes with that.
AGENT ITH: Heat it? Meet it? Seat it?
TGS: Redact the consonant.
AGENT ITH (Considers for a moment): “Eat it?” Is that what you’re telling a government agent?
TGS: Well, if the ‘oe ‘its, ‘ear it.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
Yes, Virginia
A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela
President, Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, Inc.
photo by Phoebe Verkouw
YOUR BANK SHOULD BE YOUR ONE-STOP SHOP
Arecent survey of more than 2,000 U.S. consumers said they preferred “bundled” banking services. This means that customers would like to go to one financial institution for multiple product offerings—such as checking accounts, debit and credit cards, personal loans and other types of credits.
From the banker’s standpoint, we generally like a full customer relationship. We want to get to know you, service your needs, and keep you coming back for more business.
The survey also found that consumers would be willing to leave a bank that wouldn’t offer them multiple services. They like the convenience of “one-stop” shopping.
At Golden Pacific Bank, we’re proud of our ability to offer multiple products. Our menu of deposit products include checking, money market, IRA accounts, and CDs. We are also one of the only banks that offers safe deposit boxes.
For businesses, we offer remote-deposit capture, positive pay, mobile and online banking, and other services. We specialize in commercial real estate and multifamily loans.
And now that we’ve been acquired by SoFi Bank, N.A., we have even more products available, such as mortgages, personal loans, and multiple other services.
Ask your financial institution about its own product array. Not only can it be more convenient for you, but you may get special “member” rates and terms. Wouldn’t that present a bundle of joy!
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