Aug 29, 2022


This one’s more fun than a barrel of poxes

By Ed Goldman

Just as the Swine Flu didn’t make anyone’s facial features or behavior become porcine (Karl Rove may be the exception) and the Asiatic Flu didn’t leave all of us speaking in Mandarin, I rather doubt that Monkey Pox will make more of a chimp out of me than other maladies have (often in the form of can’t-lose/short-term investments and, of course, my successive reverse mortgages). 

In short, even if I contract Monkey Pox I expect my body to remain sans Simian (I know. That joke Hearst).

Edgy Cartoon

You say you want an evolution?

We seem to be inconsistent about how we name our illnesses. At least with Swine Flu and Monkey Pox, the eponymous animals may have played origin roles. 

If so, why wasn’t COVID-19 named for its alleged source? Answer: “’Chicken Pox’ was already taken,” said this column’s epidemiology consultant, Anna Bundance O’ Caution. But what about the names of other infirmities?

  • Why aren’t Common Colds and Strep called Kids-Complaint, since most of us catch them from those little people you perhaps call children and grandchildren but I refer to as Airborne Carriers.
  • Why isn’t Gastric Distress called K-F C-Sickness? 
  • Wouldn’t a Torn ACL be better identified as Weekend-Overdid-It-Itis?
  • How about calling Sciatica what it really is: Back-With-No-Future.
  • Would Adolescent Acne be better understood if we called it TeenRager? 
  • Since it occurs mainly in men of a certain age who favor a certain game, why not rechristen Benign Prostate Enlargement as Pickleballs?
  • Why does no one recognize that the cure for Dehydration is also its name? Folks, you gotta get de hydration into de body. 
  • Remember, Earwax Build-Up won’t go away because of Unheard Immunity.
  • Shouldn’t the road to Flatulence be part of its handle? I give you the Cabbage Path, Kids.
  • Why not admit that last winter your health Flu South?
  • Gum Disease is the result of your spending too many years in a No-Floss Zone.
  • Most Allergies are caused by exposure to angry allergens—or what we commonly call Cross Pollination. 
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  • A long-held belief is that Arthritis can be the result of popping one’s knuckles; ergo, we propose a public health campaign entitled Avoid Crack.
  • We all know that people cause accidents. So let’s meet birth control head-on by reminding American youth that Accidents Cause People.
  • Instead of the variety of pills to combat hypertension, let’s start treating it as an ally in our battle for good health. Say it with me: “Hi, Blood Pressure!”
  • If you suffer from Chronic Depression, you need to stop hanging around with that guy named Chronic. (Note: We actually have a law firm in Sacramento named Kronick Moskovitz, which should never be confused with its main competitor, Acute Moskovitz.)
  • We all know that Shingles can be very painful. So, why not opt for Shake, Tiles or Polyurethane? And while we’re at it, let’s declare it on our 1040s as Overhead. (Better check this with your tax advisor. Maybe next visiting day.)

Finally, please remember that a Soroptimist may be a formerly cheerful person whose Torn ACL really smarts at 7 a.m. breakfasts.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).

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