Things To Do In Preparation For A Meteor Hitting Earth
Presented as a public service with no hope of getting even a certificate of merit
By Ed Goldman
Recently, an asteroid said to be the size of the Eiffel Tower, though with fewer observation platforms and shorter lines, entered then passed Earth’s orbital path. And while NASA said the asteroid was roughly 2.4 million miles away—about 10 times the distance between the Earth and the moon, even if traffic is light—the agency still considered it a “near-Earth object.”
Evidently, it doesn’t take much to qualify as one of those. A comet, asteroid or Jeff Bezos is classified as “near-Earth” when coming within 30 million miles (or fewer) of our orbit.
Rock of Ages
Just when I was getting over my fear of contracting the newest variant of the Omicron variant this happened! Well, we’re Americans. We face our problems head-on (unless they involve hunger, homelessness, infrastructure, racism and traitors). So here are some things to do in preparation for the next time a meteor appears poised to hit earth:
- Invest in meteor futures (NYSE: kaboom)
- Don’t put off the re-roofing job any longer.
- Don’t start installing solar panels.
- Shore up the slats in the bed you intend to hide under.
- Don’t open your sunroof while driving, no matter how zephyr-like the breeze feels.
- See if your 1950s home still includes a 1950s bomb shelter. If not, time-travel to the 1950s and buy a home that has one.
- Set the temperature on your outdoor jacuzzi to no warmer than 60 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s 15.556 degrees Celsius, if you think going all metric when the world ends will save your sorry soul). When the meteor hits Earth it’ll generate plenty of stress-reducing heat.
- Write country songs to calm your panic if not cushion the impact. Here’s one:
🎶 “Armageddon tard of you
It’s a feelin’ that ah’ll capture
When all Hell’s rainin’ down on you
Insteadda that ol’ Rapture.” 🎶
- Immediately cease all diets, workouts and sessions with life coaches. Instead, sign up for courses with titles like “So You’re About to Be Smooshed by a Meteor: How to Accessorize Your Wardrobe for Dystopia.”
- Don’t pay your HOA fees, property taxes, Xfinity or alimony bills.
- Stop stewing about cleaning out your garage, vacuuming your car or letting out your tuxedo pants in time for this year’s spring gala.
- Cancel your subscriptions to the Book of the Month Club, Netflix and Wall Street Journal, as well as your order of the At-a-Glance desk calendar for 2023.
- Put all of your trash into the same bin, resume using aerosol deodorant and spray your backyard plants with DDT. Face it, you weren’t saving the planet anyway.
- Unhook any smog control devices on your car, get cash for your catalytic converter and consider converting to cataclysm.
- Celebrate adult on-set diabetes by organizing a Kit Kat bar eating contest, and request extra gluten when you dine out.
- Invite Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Alec Baldwin and Marjorie Taylor Greene to dinner at the French Laundry restaurant in Yountville. No masks required but movie-set prop pistols are recommended.
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- Tell a couple you can’t stand you’d like to buy their home for triple its appraised value. To ensure the sale doesn’t go through before the asteroid destroys the planet, do it on a contingency basis. If you need to prolong closing the deal even more, initiate the misnamed “short-sale” process.
- Record yourself saying, “Are you Upjohn” and put it on a 3 a.m. autodial to everyone named Upjohn in the U.S. and its territories, including Guam.
- Write Rudy Giuliani a fan letter and set a date, time and location to hand him a check for $150 million to pay his legal fees and henna replacement-therapy costs.
- Test-drive a new Mercedes but don’t return it to the showroom. Instead, drive it to Guam.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela
President, Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, Inc.
photo by Phoebe Verkouw
Golden Pacific Bank, a division of SoFi Bank, N.A., is a proud sponsor of the Sacramento Speaker Series and recently the guest was Dr. Lisa Genova.
Dr. Lisa Genova is an American neuroscientist and author. She is a leader in the research and understanding of the human brain—and the bestselling New York Times author of several books, including “Still Alice” (about Alzheimer’s disease) which was adapted into a film starring Julianne Moore. She won the Best Actress Oscar.
Mental health is something we all may worry about, but it’s a subject that’s difficult to discuss in an honest and fearless manner. Am I going nuts when I can’t remember a word (but it’s at the tip of my tongue), or the year I graduated from college, or the name of my first pet?
Dr. Genova put the audience at ease quickly by suggesting that just because we lose our keys or forget someone’s name, it doesn’t mean that Alzheimer is our destiny. In fact, she shared scientific facts including ways that research shows we can all take steps to build our brain power and strength.
So, sleep well, eat lots of colorful fruits and a variety of veggies, and relax. Meet with a friend, take a walk in a new location, and learn new things.
After all, your brain health is the wealth you don’t have to pay taxes on!