Apr 8, 2024

The Tyranny Of Homonyms: Revealed!

Feeling sad? They’re, their…

By Ed Goldman

NET PROFIT: What you have after expenses.

NET PROPHET: Someone who can predict the winner of a volleyball, basketball or badminton game.

Edgy Cartoon

The critics are raven

NONPROFIT: An organization that exists to provide services, not enhance its shareholders, since it has none.

NON-PROPHET: A person who never accurately predicts a damn thing.

SANCTION: An approval you bestow on someone for his/her behavior.

SANCTION: A condemnation of someone’s behavior.

BAD: In certain youthful idioms, this means good.

BAD: In the real world of language, the opposite of good.

BEAR: Put up with.

BARE: Put out with.

DEER: Forest denizen—and, for some, venison.

DEAR: Beginning of a love letter or kiss-off.

VANE: Non-cyber way-finder.

VAIN: “I don’t need a way-finder.”

VEIN: Mineral CACHE which may produce material CASH (also called a SEAM, or so it may SEEM).

If it doesn’t make a difference which paddle you use, are you in an EITHER OAR situation? And if you don’t care whether you mine gold or silver, are you in an EITHER ORE one? 

Did you know Amazon has AMAZING Daily Deals?

From electronics to beauty to fashion to pet supplies and everything in between, Amazon has daily deals you don't want to miss.

See the Deals

During the REIGN of a tyrant, people may suffer from a RAIN of bullets until someone pulls the REINS on the tyrant. 

If you PEEK in department store dressing rooms it will likely arouse some PIQUE, which will reach its PEAK until you’re escorted out the door.

If you rip your pants while you SOW seeds, someone will need to SEW them up. SO there.

THEY’RE in THERE doing THEIR thing. I can HEAR them, even from out HERE!

WHERE did you get this thing you’re insisting I WEAR—at a WAREhouse?

She wanted to MEET someone and METE out her love—

but not at a MEAT market.

Looking for a Great Gift?

The farm strike is over. Let’s BURY the hatchet and hatchet a BERRY or two.

I love to cry. Every time I BAWL I have a BALL.

Listen, if the driver’s been drinking, WE’LL take the WHEEL, on behalf of our commonWEAL.

I ACCEPT your terms and conditions—EXCEPT that last one.

Doc, you gotta have more PATIENCE with your PATIENTS.

Oh, wine guy: What should our auPAIR uh, PAIR her, oh, PEAR with?

This Jumbo Jet’s pretty ordinary. It’s a very PLAIN PLANE.

After I ATE EIGHT oysters, I was sew (SIC) SICK. I’d have downed them with some suds but I’d AIL from all that ALE.

If you get married on an exotic ISLE, I’LL be proud to walk you down the AISLE. And if it’s a working ranch on that exotic isle, we’ll take the BRIDLE path to the BRIDAL spot. I only hope they don’t ALTER the ALTAR before we get there. Meanwhile, I just HEARD that a HERD of parents BANNED the BAND that was supposed to be playing when I slipped on your wedding BAND.

Looking for a Great Gift?

The rural court allowed me to meet your BAIL with a BALE of hay. Now, let’s BAIL!

Is a CAPITOL always located in a CAPITAL? If so, that’s a CAPITAL idea. If not, I just lost a bet and can use some CAPITAL to pay it.

After SEALING the CEILING, it doesn’t leak.

I can smell money. It’s my CENTS SCENTS SENSE.

Which reminds me: I’m INCENSED at that INCENSE you left burning in the living room. 

I just got a gig as the legal COUNSEL to the city COUNCIL.

Why does everyone DESERT me after dinner—is it because I don’t serve DESSERT?

I imagine I fell in love with my massage therapist because I NEEDED to be KNEADED. We went to dinner and argued about whether to share the rabbit stew or the rabbit ragout until she said, “Look, let’s not be splitting HAIRS over splitting HARES.”

Did you know Amazon has AMAZING Daily Deals?

From electronics to beauty to fashion to pet supplies and everything in between, Amazon has daily deals you don't want to miss.

See the Deals

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).