Question: What is the State of The Goldman State?

Reply: Like anyone really cares…

By Ed Goldman

Every level of government and the private sector is either obligated to deliver an annual report or just likes the opportunity to quote Dickens in the CEO’s introductory letter: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….” 

One year I wrote separate annual reports for three different clients that started with that immortal phrase. Fortunately, none of them was inclined to read the others’ reports. I also felt pretty sure that very few of each organization’s directors, shareholders, stakeholders and candleholders read either the introduction or the annual report itself. I’m glad the proofreaders did but my guess is that, with the possible exception of the CEOs, they were the only ones who did. 

In government we have the State of the Union, State of the State and State of the City. In the business world, many company CEOs give a State of the Firm speech. But any of these could be subtitled State of the Obfuscation. This is what these speeches do best. 

Shareholder question: “Did we lose $20 million pulling out of a project?”

CEO Reply: “We really dodged a bullet vis a vis potential litigation if we’d remained.” 

While a response like that should prompt further questioning, the insertion of the word “litigation” generally proves to be an acceptable roadblock. We’ve been conditioned to believe that the confidentiality of litigation is always protected. Even when no litigation’s actually going on and the word’s being used simply to discourage candor.

And so it’s with a Pandemic Era abundance of caution and zero professional pride that I present the first annual State of the Goldman State. You didn’t request it, you aren’t on my board of directors (none exists) but every one of you is so doggone adorable.

“Good morning afternoon, evening or graveyard shift, depending on which part of the world you’re in. Yes, we have readers in 45 states, Canada and at least one just outside Venice, Italy. And not that many of them are related to me.

“I planned to come before you today to discuss The Goldman State’s revenues and circulation numbers, but because each could be a source of pending litigation, which I’ll introduce if I have to in order to avoid your questions, I’ve been advised to demur. ‘Demur’ isn’t the same as Claude Debussy’s ‘La Mer,’ of course, which is one of my favorite pieces of symphonic music. Ask me about that if you’d like. Nobody from Debussy’s family is suing us at the moment.

“As many of you know, The Goldman State began life on November 15, 2019. It was my birthday and since things were going so hot in my personal or professional or fantasy life, it seemed like a good time to create something to add the pressure of thrice-weekly deadlines into the admixture.