Right Answers? What About Wrong Responses?
35 snarky comebacks to start the month off awry
By Ed Goldman
1. “Do these pants make me look fatter?”
WR: “Definitely not fatter.”
2. Grieving widow: “He was a great man, wasn’t he?”
WR: “Well, certainly a good one.
3. “Am I boring you?”
WR: “Not that much.”
4. Your date shows up dressed in red. “Didn’t you tell me your favorite color is red?” he or she asks.
WR: “I did. And it was.”
Ed sails in the sunset
5. “To make a long story short—“
WR: “Too late for that now.”
6. “No pun intended!”
WR: “None detected.”
7. Mechanic: “Your car will run like a top!”
WR: “How about like a car?”
8. “Do you like super-hero movies?”
WR: “I’ve seen it.”
9. “I’d like you to meet some of the people I work with.”
WR: “Why?”
10. Barista: “Would you like to include a tip?”
WR: “Yes. Learn to spell. It’ll open up worlds for you.”
11. Dinner Party Host: “Whom shall I seat you with?”
WR: “The person I came here with.”
12. “What’s your favorite vacation spot?”
WR: “Elsewhere.”
WR: “Yes.”
14. “Do I remind you of anyone you’ve ever met?”
WR: “Practically everyone.”
15. “Were you close to your grandparents?”
WR: “Only until they died.”
16. “What’s your favorite memory about Hawaii?”
WR: “Never having gone there.”
WR: “The latter.”
18. Your date at Bucca di Beppo: “What are you getting?”
WR: “A headache.”
19. “We will never see his like again.”
WR: “Of course not. He’s dead.”
20. “What was your favorite part of childhood?”
WR: “Leaving it.”
WR: “Marriage.”
22. “Would you ever want to travel into space?”
WR: “Only if the store ran out of Tang.”
23. “Did it bother you meeting my -ex this evening?”
WR: “No. But then, I also enjoyed shingles.”
24. “If you think this was a stupid idea, just say so.”
WR: “So.”
WR: “‘Now?'”
26. “Before we get involved, don’t you think it’s important to know if we share core values?”
WR: “No, only a mission statement.”
27. “Was that a double entendre?”
WR: “Divided by two.”
28. “Would you like to go to a movie tonight?”
WR: “Sounds great. I’ll tell you what I saw.”
WR: “The carbon.”
30. “Would you call yourself a religious person?”
WR: “Sure, if one’s available. But they’re not usually up this late. May I call one for you?”
31. “What’s worse than yelling ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theatre?”
WR: “Yelling ‘Theatre!’ while someone’s trying to put out a fire.”
32. “When do you feel most ‘woke?'”
WR: “After my third cup of coffee.”
WR: “No, I Martini.”
34. “How long do you intend to smoke that cigar?”
WR: “Until it clears the room.”
35. Doting Grandparent: “You just can’t beat little kids.”
WR: “Yeah, all those damn laws, right?”
Don’t forget! A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
