It’s Never Too Early to Start Subbing Baseball Players
Why can’t the rest of us employ designated everythings?
By Ed Goldman
With baseball’s World Series slated to begin two weeks from this coming Friday (October 27), this might be a good time for the teams to be selecting and announcing their designated hitters and base runners, relief pitchers, alternate umpires, standby hot-dog vendors and ball-boys-in-waiting.
Did ever a professional sport have so many options for substitutions? Why can’t this be an option for a greater variety of jobs and fields?
My huckleberry friend
STANDBY CARWASH CHAMOIS WRANGLER. What happens when the usual person handling this assignment calls in sick or claims to be kidnaped? How much advance notice does the hard-working carwash crew-boss need to replace the missing chamois wrangler with a perhaps less-trained but far more eager ingenue?
“Okay, kid,” the crew-boss might say to pep up the new kid, “you may be goin’ out there this afternoon as a slightly adenoidal acne festival but you’re coming back as a professional chamois wrangler!”
DMV DESK PERSON. It’s not like the bureau keeps a pool of dyspeptic, lazy misanthropes under contract in a secret location, ready to be deployed on a moment’s notice when fulltime dyspeptic, lazy misanthropes stay home one morning because they ate “something funny.” Not even when they “ate something funny” every Monday morning (except for three-day holiday weekends, when they “ate something funny” on Tuesdays). But they should. After a little theatrical training and lemon-sucking classes, voila! Enter the D-Team!
SURROGATE CITY PLANNER, PUBLIC COUNTER. Although this fill-in position requires a candidate who can say “no” in several languages, the good news is that it sounds the same in French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese and English.
Before hiring someone, run a checklist to see if the developers and homeowners you’re expecting to come in to file for a setback, room addition or first-class hotel are from France, Spain, Mexico, Italy, Portugal, the British Isles or the United States of America. Chances are, you’ll be on solid footing. If not, here’s how to say “no” in Lao (bo), Vietnamese (không), Russian (nyet) and Thai (lek̄h thī̀). For a complete pronunciation guide, please consult another column. This one is getting an ear-ache.
DEPUTY EMT. Why should only fully trained paramedics get a chance to save your life when there are plenty of wanna-be rescuers tired of finding people service animals? Granted, a Deputy EMT might have a little difficulty getting with the jargon of the profession (Hint: Do not tell patients you are about to administer Capital Public Radio or the Heimlich Meuniere when they’re clearly in distress). But what job doesn’t have a learning curve? I mean, Albert Einstein wasn’t already a brilliant physicist while being potty-trained, am I right?
PROXY PLUMBER. Why can’t a pipe dream be literally that? There must be hundreds of thousands of young men and women out there just dying to pull on a pair of butt-bearing work pants (plumbers were rocking these long before aspiring hip-hop stars thought of it) and go to work on your pesky faucet leak, overflowing toilet and oddly colored hot tub. Why not have your regular plumber take the day off and send out one of these fresh young faces? Your regular plumber won’t mind since he or she will need to come out that night and repair the damage at triple-overtime. Sounds like a win-win to me, folks.
AUXILIARY AUTOCRAT. This is the kind of work a very busy despot might shunt off to a staffer with a flair for issuing edicts, marching in parades and throwing opponents out open windows. With the time he saves, that weary despot might just retire to his dacha, kick back, pop open a Putin Lite and catch the World Series.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
Yes, Virginia
A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela
President, Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, N.A.
photo by Phoebe Verkouw
WE’RE A “BEST PLACE TO WORK” ONCE AGAIN
For the second year in a row Golden Pacific Bank, a division of SoFi Bank, N.A., has been recognized as one of the Best Places to Work in Sacramento.
The award program, sponsored by the Sacramento Business Journal, is measured by direct employee feedback. Golden Pacific Bank (GPB) ranked high based on our company scores and compared to peer companies in Sacramento.
Surveys completed by almost 90 percent of GPB employees were conducted anonymously by “Quantum Workplace,” a third party that also performed a security audit to ensure data integrity.
Here’s a random sample of employee comments assembled by Quantum:
– “This is a unique organization that only comes along very seldom. Strong leadership and a caring nature with growth opportunities.”
– “My job is very important to me, a source of pride and feelings of well-being. I give my all to my job, and I have felt very appreciated and listened to by the management team at GPB. I truly enjoy working here.”
– “Overall, a fantastic place to work! We are very customer service-oriented and that is one of our main goals. Our reputation in our community is seen as a wonderful place to bank and work. I am constantly telling our customers how proud I am to be a part of this organization. Our manager sees (each of) us as a person and not just another employee.”
– “The management is great! They genuinely care about you as a person. They listen to you and are continually making sure that all is going well in your department.”
Our scores:
– Overall score was 90% out of 100% total;
– Benefits scored 56% compared to 36% for regional peers; and
– 74% of our staff are “Highly Engaged” or considered “highly favorable, advocate, intend to stay, high discretionary effort.”
The top word that came up most often to describe our work environment: FUN. The top phrase: “The senior leaders of the organization value people as their most important resource.”
We are so proud of our team. And we’re glad they like working here. Talk about a win-win!
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