King Charles Needs a Coronation Song? We’re On it!
Eat your kidney-pie out, Lord Webber
By Ed Goldman
It’s being reported that Andrew Lloyd Webber—the world-famous composer of 22 musicals which yielded one memorable song— has been asked by His Overdue Highness, King Charles, to pop out a tune or two for his coronation.
Lord Webber—this serves as both his title and, if you slip a comma between those two words, what many people say when they hear another of his overblown operas—is said to be hard at work, changing a few notes of a previous song and hoping no one notices. Since no one actually noticed most of his previous songs, this is a safe bet. Handy Andy, you’re m’Lord!
Chuck’s take
Well, as an Anglo-file—meaning I keep a pholder on the royals in my home ophphice)—I thought I’d lend a hand to the ephphort. Here are ? retooled English-ish songs to consider.
1. GREEN SLEAZE
(A Memo from Charles to Camille, to the tune of “Greensleeves”)
Alas, my love, please hide the bling:
This is no time for our wealth to flash.
It took so long to be crowned the king
There’s a fine line twixt showing cachet and cash.
Green sleaze would make us look bad
Though we have more money than Midas had.
Green sleaze is for my son “Spare”–
The one who writes books saying I don’t care.
2. COOL BRITANNIA!
(To the tune of “Rule, Britannia”)
Cool Britannia, no longer all that “mod”
Brits will never, ever, think I’m God.
Cool Britannia, set sail, you royal barge!
Britons please acknowledge that it’s Charles in Charge.
3. ENGLAND SPRINGS
(To the tune of Roger Miller’s “England Swings”)
England Springs, with that fog an’ that dew,
Causin’ arthritis an’ ague.
We’re in our seventies, not in thrall.
Think that we’ll move to Miami next Fall.
4. MY TOP BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN
(To the tune of: “London Bridge Is Falling Down”)
My top bridge is falling down, heading south
In my mouth.
Why don’t I have dental care,
My fair lady?
I know Brits have lousy teeth:
Those above, those beneath.
Shouldn’t kings get crowns down there?
This seems shady.
5. I’VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO THIS PLACE
(To the tune of—well, you must know)
I’ve grown accustomed to this place:
And all the servants make me laugh.
I’ve grown accustomed to each day
That starts with my valet
And all. Of my. Enormous staff.
It’s second nature to me now.
Those seven decades helped a lot.
I’ve grown accustomed to my job
Of speaking like a blob.
I work. Quite hard. At working not.
(Bridge)
I’m now serenely, queenly freed of
Ev’ry feeling of regret
For messing up Diana with Camille (our tete-a-tête).
But I’m accustomed to the air so rarefied, so wet,
Accustomed to this place.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
