Disney Slashes 7,000 Employees (Off-Screen, Of Course)
Wishing Upon a $tar for Savings
By Ed Goldman
Word that Disney is cutting 7,000 employees from its work force has caused some tummy-wummy trouble in what’s now being called The Allegedly Happiest Place on Earth.
“Don’t think your jobs are safe just because we’re universally beloved,” cautioned famed dwarf Doc in a hastily arranged Zoom call with his fellow Disney icons.
Coming up short
The group included:
– the Ducks (Donald and Daisy) and the Mouses (Mickey and Minnie);
– Davy Crockett (the late Fess Parker, clicking in from the company’s cryogenics lab in Florida);
– business partners Wolf & Son (Big Bad and Lil’ Bad, the latter having never existed until being created for comic books as his pop was Disney-fied into being just another talking animal who wears clothes and lives in the suburbs);
– Goofy (who had to leave briefly to make what he amusingly termed “a nature call. I mean, I’m a dog, a’hyuck!”);
– Ariel, the Little Mermaid, resplendent in a pencil suit literally made of a pencil; and
– Quasimodo, still slapping his head in disbelief that he was allowed to live at the climax of the studio’s cartoon adaptation of the Victor Hugo classic. (At the time of the film’s release, a reporter doubted that Quasimodo was all that surprised when the studio sanitized the novel. “You really didn’t know?” “Okay, okay. I guess you could print that I had a hunch. But still—”)
Let’s watch and listen.
MICKEY MOUSE: Listen up, mine tahtelahs, haff we got hah problem. Oy!
DOC: When did you start talking like a Yiddish grandma?
MINNIE MOUSE: That is how my husband actually sounds. You may recall that Ol’ Walt was none too fond of Jews. Mick had to learn how to squeak in a WASP falsetto before they filmed “Steamboat Willie,” the first cartoon talkie.
MICKEY MOUSE: From your ears to mine lips, Bubellah. One slight correction: It was Ol’ Walt’s own voice in “Steamboat.”
MINNIE MOUSE: But I saw you in a drawing of a sound booth, Darling.
MICKEY MOUSE: What can I say, mine chotchkillah? He overdubbed me. The schmuck.
FESS PARKER: Shh. Walt may hear you.
DOC: He’s dead.
FESS PARKER: So am I. But his head is in the fridge next to mine. I’m told that people in comas can still hear people talking about them. I reckon that can happen if you’re decapitated and dead, too. Y’ know, a possum once said to a team of farm-oxen that—
DAISY DUCK: Oh, spare us the backwoods homilies, Fess. You used them as Davey Crockett and then you used them as Daniel Boone, which you played exactly the same way. You even wore the same costume.
ARIEL: Can you say “Gamey”?
(Most are heard or seen laughing. One of the unseen laughers starts to cough horribly.)
FESS PARKER: That’s Ol’ Walt, I tell ya!
DOC: You mean even without a body and lungs he can still have smoker’s cough? How is this possible?
GOOFY (heard but not seen): CGI! A-hyuck!
MINNIE MOUSE: For heaven’s sake, Goofy, just finish up what you went outside to do and don’t think you have to pipe up.
GOOFY: Aw, Minnie, now gol-darn it, I–
MICKEY MOUSE: Goof! Such a mouth you got on you!
DOC: Look, I hate to hijack this meeting from our esteemed rodent—
MICKEY MOUSE: Careful, mine dwarfellah.
DOC: — but we have a serious problem, folks. The former and current CEO Bob Iger is cutting everything in sight to concentrate more on sports programming.
GOOFY: Not a problem. I did like almost 50 cartoons for Ol’ Walt and the most popular ones wuz the sports movies. So—like when The Lone Ranger and Tonto found themselves surrounded by Indians and the Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, we got a problem”—I gotta go with what Tonto said back to him. “Whaddaya mean ‘we?'” A’hyuck!
BIG BAD WOLF: Oh, eat my overalls, dog-man! You’re not exactly the only one who did sports for Ol’ Walt. All of us always did our own stunts. We’re athletes!
FESS PARKER: That’s right! I even killed me a b’ar when I was only three. (Sings) “Da-vy, Da-vy Crockett/King of the wild frontier—”
QUASIMODO: Hey, that rings a bell!
DOC: If we can get back—
FESS PARKER (Sings): “Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee/Greenest state in the land of the free—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Christ almighty, would you get a life?
LIL’ BAD WOLF: Daddy, I’m tellin’ Mommy you blasphemed.
BIG BAD WOLF: Look, kid, there ain’t no ‘Mommy,’ you dig? You came out of a bottle of India ink, same as me.
LIL’ BAD WOLF: We’re Indians?
GOOFY: What you mean “we?” A’hyuck!
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
Yes, Virginia
A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela
President, Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, Inc.
photo by Phoebe Verkouw
Last week I had the honor of advocating for U.S. banks in meetings with several members of Congress in Washington DC. The California Bankers Association (CBA) government relations team and bankers themselves traveled to Washington DC for the American Bankers Association’s (ABA) “Freshman Fly-in.”
The Freshman Fly-In is an opportunity for ABA, state banker associations, and bank executives to establish relationships with new members of Congress. The fly-in helps lay the foundation for productive relationships with the 100 new members of Congress and educate them about key banking issues.
It was an exciting week to be in DC, especially since it timed with President Biden’s State of the Union speech. California Banker colleagues and I met with several members of the California Congressional Delegation, including Representatives Lou Correa, Norma Torres, John Duarte, Kevin Mullin, and Young Kim. In addition, we met with staff members from the offices of Speaker Kevin McCarthy as well as Representatives Mike Garcia, Sydney Kamlager-Dove, and Kevin Kiley.
I had the opportunity of walking the Congressional halls with esteemed colleagues Kevin Gould, Executive Vice President, and Jason Lane, the Vice President and Deputy Director of Government Relations of the CBA.
My banker partners included: Josh Denney, Director & Head of Government Relations, Western Alliance Bank; Michael Lee, SVP & Chief Regulatory Officer, Five Star Bank; and Jeremiah Smith, President & CEO, First Northern Bank.
The ABA is a Washington, D.C.-based trade association for the U.S. banking industry, founded in 1875. It lobbies for banks of all sizes and charters that comprise the nation’s $23.6 trillion banking industry—one that employs more than 2 million people, safeguards $19.4 trillion in deposits and extends $12 trillion in loans.
I’m proud to be Chair of the CBA’s Government Relations Committee and I strongly believe in advocating for chartered, regulated US banks. Banks of all sizes drive a healthy and inclusive economy. Banks such as SoFi Bank, which Golden Pacific Bank is a division of, lead the way in digital innovation.
Our message: It’s important for Congress to support a nimble and competitive financial services sector by applying like-kind regulation to like-kind activity and by eliminating regulatory inefficiencies. This includes the areas of digital asset regulation, small business lending and Community Reinvestment Act compliance.
Did they hear us? I think you can bank on it.
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