Some suggested pre-fallen idols to choose from on this day after Thanksgiving

By Ed Goldman

Between the Marvel and D.C. universes of all-gender 24/7 super-heroes, you’d think the human race would finally be out of trouble. And yet we still have wars, pandemics, climate change and Alex Jones.

It may be time to drop the “super” and develop some down-to-earth heroes whose powers are within the realm of possibility. Here are six:

ACTUARIAL-MAN: He won’t give you eternal life but he’ll accurately pinpoint when you can reasonably expect to shuttle off this mortal coil, with only a two- to three percent margin of error. (This means he may give you the year, month and day but may be a tad iffy on the specific hour, depending on your locale’s time zone.)

While A-M’s power may sound off-putting, most of us will find it a relief to know we can start skipping those pesky credit card payments, bracing hikes and projected reunion concert of Dion and the Belmonts.

BLUNDER-WOMAN: She announces her basic motif by pointing out that even though she’s heterosexual (and interested in meeting a guy with whom to share walks on the beach, poetry festivals and the occasional light-opera revival), she wants to be referred to as a hero, not a heroine. “I’d rather be thought a sandwich than a drug,” she says, not caring what anyone thinks. She also thinks women who act should be called actors, funny women are comedians, (not comediennes) and Whoopi Goldberg hasn’t had “work” but “perhaps should consider it.”

Blunder-Woman’s crusade is, she says, is to “make perfect sense when those around you sound like imbeciles.” She makes it a point to show up at buildings when a man is about to open a door for a woman and the woman says, “What a stupid throwback.” At this point, Blunder-Woman grabs the woman by her shoulder pads and says, “Look, the guy was just being polite! He knows you’re capable of opening the door yourself, you cretin!” If at this point the man tries to intervene, explaining to Blunder-Woman that the woman with the shoulder-pads has every right to be indignant, Blunder-Woman will turn on him and yell, “Stop ‘mansplaining’ and being such a wuss!” As Blunder-Woman leaves the scene, the man and shoulder-padded woman decide to have a drink together.  “And if it makes you feel better, you can treat!” the man says jocularly. “What a cheap bastard!” the woman says, storming off.

IRONY-MAN: With the paucity of genuinely witty lines in most superhero movies, here’s a character who does nothing else but stand around spouting them, while wearing a costume and props consisting of a smoking jacket, ascot, dry martini, Cohiba cigar and—in deference to super-hero fashion requirements—underpants worn on the outside. 

Asked if he has a secret identity, Irony-Man says things like, “If it’s an identity, how secret can it be?”, after which he arches an eyebrow, sips his martini and takes a long drag on his Cohiba. The person he says this to queries, “Am I supposed to find that witty?” “No,” says Irony-Man. “Ironic, isn’t it?”

ANTI-MAN: This mortal hero can be portrayed by a man, woman or person in transition (by which I don’t mean “between jobs”). He/she/they would battle the flaccid forces of machismo wherever he/she/they find it, such as in:

(a) Reverse-mortgage promotions featuring Tom Selleck, which seem less like ads for a home refinancing product than an endorsement for Grecian Formula hair dye and jet-black mustache mascara;

(b) Blake Shelton Facebook posts in which he urges anyone who doesn’t like guns to smooch his rural rear-end; and

(c) Alex Jones.