Internet Company Sued for Online Slowness (I Should Be, Too)
A shocking revelation about unkept promises (provided you shock easily)
By Ed Goldman
I was shocked—shocked!—to read in the Wall Street Journal late last month that a company was being sued over its claims of providing speedy internet service.
Does this mean, by extension, that Anacin didn’t provide “fast, fast, FAST relief from headaches, neuralgia and neuritis,” as its ads claimed years ago?
“Hi-Yo, Bandwidth, Awaaaay!”
Thinking of speed claims, I remember that when I bought a 1966 Ford Mustang in 1972 from one of my parents’ friends, the speedometer indicated the car could drive 160 miles per hour if its driver so desired. But could it have?
Years later, I donated it to the Stanford Home for Children, which is now called Stanford Youth Solutions (one of which, of course, would be to age). By then, the car hadn’t been driven in a few years so I felt no need to include a cautionary note on the windshield about its overstated speedometer claim.
But let’s be evenhanded. Who expects a company named Frontier to be cyber-forward? Frontier Communications sounds like what they meant to name the Pony Express before a horse breeder donated a lot of money to its intended IPO. I can even imagine the tycoon trying to sound regular-guyish about his largesse: “Let’s just say I’m ponyin’ up a mess o’ cash, fellas. ‘Ponyin’ up.’ See what I did there?”
Three final questions:
- Shouldn’t the consulting firm have been analyzing the service itself—and not, as indicated by the article, the subscribers? Did the consulting firm consist of psychiatrists? Did they think the subscribers had abandonment issues because they couldn’t click through their Tumblr site fast enough?
- Who was the “suit” quoted at the end of that paragraph? Can he or she be trusted? Has he or she been analyzed? And most important of all: Did he or she never get a pony?
- See what I did there?