Unraveling Some Targeted Fortune-Cookie Messages
“You will find that your date left by a back door and stuck you with the bill”
By Ed Goldman
An astrological forecast in a newspaper, magazine or online can have the same allure, even if the message is less than inspiring or is downright generic—like:
a. LESS THAN INSPIRING: “Your success today may depend upon your consuming rye toast every morning for a week, butter optional.”
b. DOWNRIGHT GENERIC: “You may notice the sky darkening as the sun goes down. This is not to be feared.”
N.E.: Hello, Ed, glad you called.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: That’s amazing! How did you know it was me?
N.E.: Because I am blessed with second sight, extra sensory perception and, most significant of all, caller I.D.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: Clairvoyance?
N.E.: She doesn’t work here anymore, but I can forward you her contact information.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: No, I mean—
THE GOLDMAN STATE: Gambling?
N.E.: No, winning.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: Oh, I—
N.E.: And then, not sharing. —So! You’ve called to ask if there are any specifically targeted fortune cookie messages or astrological forecasts out there, right?
THE GOLDMAN STATE: That’s astonishing! How did you know?
N.E.: I read the opening of today’s column, in which you set up the premise. Rather ham-handedly, I might add.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: If I want your opinion of my writing—
N.E.: You’ll ask. I knew you were going to say that. Remember, I’m psychic.
THE GOLDMAN STATE: Okay. What’ve you got?
N.E.: The following predictions, equally applicable to cookies or forecasts.
- For California Governor Gavin Newsom: “You shall be recalled but once out of office, rarely recalled.”
- For President Joe Biden: “You will continue to surprise the conservative press with your ability to fog up a hand mirror.”
- For the producers of the Oscars, the Tonys and the Grammys: “You will never win the Emmy.”
- For Rudy Giuliani: “An honest man’s hair will be haloed in Heaven but a liar shall dye a thousand deaths.”
- For New York Governor Andrew Cuomo: “Greatness will always be just beyond your grope.”
- For former President Donald Trump: “You will attend a party in a horse costume with your wife Melania. She will be the front end and you can be yourself.”
- For Texas Senator Ted Cruz: “You will be seen as the most likely Republican politician to clean up after Donald Trump. See previous entry.”
- For Q-Anon: “You will be seen as a man, then as a woman, then as no one at all.”
- For Caitlyn Jenner: “Number 8 was not a reference to you. We admire your courage—for your transformation but mainly for dropping the name Bruce.”
- For readers offended by the previous entry: “Calm down. This columnist’s middle name is Bruce.”