Exclusive! A Transcript of Prince Harry’s Job Interview
A sneak peek at a royal flush
By Ed Goldman
It was reported recently in every conceivable news outlet, on all social media websites, via carrier puffins and by zombie Pony Express riders that Prince Harry—aka, the Duke or Duck of Sussex, depending on how badly you suffer from Anglophilia—has been hired by the Aspen Institute’s Commission on Information Disorder.
According to the Washington Post, the institute will offer “recommendations for how the country can respond to this modern-day crisis of faith in key institutions.” The commission, said the Post, will seek to “help stop the spread of disinformation.”
One Harry Test
As you might know if you’re one of those passionate royalty watchers, this represents the first job Harry has ever had in his entire life, unless you count his 10 years in the army keeping the world safe for aristocracy, and his royal (ahem) duties. Those duties are things you can probably count on one-fifth of the fingers on one of your hands, even if you lost one or two in a horrifying accident while slicing a recalcitrant pimento loaf.
Good news! A confidential transcript of His Whatevership’s interview with the Institute has been obtained by The Goldman State’s intrepid field operative, S.P. O’Nadj, whose parents were Irish and Slovakian, often at the same time, occasionally trading back and forth. An exclusive excerpt:
HR PERSON: Good morning, Prince Harry.
PRINCE HARRY: —
HR PERSON: Um… Prince Harry?
PRINCE HARRY: Zzz—What? Oh, terribly sorry, Old Bean. One seems to have dozed off for a moment, owing to one’s having crossed the Atlantic overnight to visit one’s ailing grand-pater.
HR PERSON: That would be your dad’s dad, Prince Phillip?
PRINCE HARRY: No, Old Thing, that IS one’s dad’s dad, Prince Phillip. Not “would be” my dad’s dad, doncha know. Me grand-pater. Or “Dropsie Popsie,” as one likes to call him when one’s sure he isn’t in the same wing of the palace.
HR PERSON: Why “Dropsie Popsie”? Is he in the habit of dropping things?
PRINCE HARRY: Yes, One believes you American chaps call it “trou’.” Devilishly jolly, that. We like to call it Royal Blue Mooning. (Yawns) Oh, I daresay. Bloody jet lag. One should like a Jolt Cola, please.
HR PERSON: I’m sorry. Who’s the one who “should” like a Jolt Cola?
PRINCE HARRY: The royal we.
HR PERSON: ???
PRINCE HARRY: I. Moi.
HR PERSON: And why do you think you “should” like a Jolt Cola, Prince Harry? Is Buckingham Palace saying you should?
PRINCE HARRY: ???
HR PERSON: Because this is America, Your Reasonably Highness. If you want a Jolt Cola, just say you want a Jolt Cola.
PRINCE HARRY: All right: “You want a Jolt Cola.” —I say, this is blooming marvelous.
HR PERSON: Okay, let’s get back to the interview. Prince Harry, this is a standard interview question and I don’t mean to offend you by asking it: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
PRINCE HARRY: Oh, smashing! Lovely question. One would hope that Grandmama and Daddykins expire of natural causes and one becomes king of England.
HR PERSON: My God, man! You’re calling for the deaths of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles!
PRINCE HARRY: One is? Oh, blast. I confused my answer with the shopping list one’s wife Meghan, Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex, the Countess of Dumbarton and the Baroness Kilkeel, tucked into my Burberry Brit Five-Pocket Pants®.
HR PERSON: How on earth do you keep all these crazy titles straight?
PRINCE HARRY: Because, dear boy, one was simply born to run the Commission on Information Disorder.
HR PERSON: The job is yours!
PRINCE HARRY: And the Jolt Cola will arrive…when?