Meet Otto Correct, the Bane of Smartphones

Some hypothetical mis-messaging to make your Monday complete

By Ed Goldman

Ever since my surname was “corrected” to Goddamn, I’ve had issues with the invisible smartphone prankster I call Otto Correct. Here are some examples of hypothetical texts and how Otto might have corrected them.

1. From Lassie to her human family: 

LASSIE: Timmy fell into the well.

OTTO: Tommy fell into the we’ll.

LASSIE Well.

OTTO: Tommy fell into the wheel.

LASSIE: Timmy, not Tommy.

OTTO: Timid, not tomorrow.

LASSIE: Never mind. Timmy drowned.

OTTO: “Netherlands Tammi” crowned.

2. From President Biden to the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

PRESIDENT: North Korea has sent an unclear message.

OTTO: North Korea has sent a nuclear massage.

PRESIDENT: “Unclear message,” not “nuclear massage.”

OTTO: Uncle marriage now Uncle Marsha.

PRESIDENT: Alert to Pentagon!

OTTO: Al Hirt to play Saigon!

3. From a romantic person to a paramour:

ROMANTIC PERSON: Drinks after work? Hope you can join me.

OTTO: Drinks, laughter, twerk? Hope you enjoin me.

4. From a patient to a hospital’s Help Desk:

PATIENT: You left me a note about my recent blood panel results. Can you clarify what they mean?

OTTO: Yul Brynner knows I doubt my decent flood channel resorts. Can you clarify butterbeans?

5. From the aforementioned paramour in response to the romantic person:

PARAMOUR: What kind of jerk are you, sending me a text like that!

OTTO: What kind of twerk for you? Sending me a sext? Like that!

6. From the Joint Chiefs of Staff to President Biden:

JOINT CHIEFS: Sir, we’re delighted that Al Hirt wants to play Saigon but we feel we should inform you that the great trumpeter is gone 22 years. 

OTTO: Siri is like all hurt. Wants to slay Top Gun but we feel he should be uniformed. The great Trump ether is gone. Tutu tears.