Some Hot Primaries This Month! Here’s a Helpful Guide
—Well, he was here a moment ago, anyway…
By Ed Goldman
Welcome to March, the foolishest month.
While T.S. Eliot called April “the cruelest month”(a sentiment echoed by millions of tax-payers and tax-scofflaws each year), the Nobel Prize-winning poet clearly didn’t live to see the March Presidential primaries, which will be held his month in Alabama, Arkansas, California, Illinois, Louisiana, North Carolina, Ohio, and Texas.
Electile dysfunction
Eliot wasn’t around for many primary seasons because he left his birthplace of Missouri for permanent residency in England when he was 25 years old. The state didn’t hold its first Presidential primary until 1988, 65 years later. By then, Eliot had left both England and Earth.
Well, T.S., Eliot! (For younger readers: “T.S.” was a pre-texting set of initials we used to use to tell people that no matter what their troubles were, too damn bad. Only the “t” stood for “tough” and the “s” was a vulgar term often used to add color to the remark, “Hey, man, you are totally [blank] out of luck.” This parenthetical aside was approved by Good Housekeeping.)
Anyway, today’s column is all about the cruelties of March. If you’re in a state that’s hosting a primary this month—”hosting” also a being word for what your body does with a germ, infection or disease—here’s a simple Q and A to help you understand the process.
Q: Does the winner of a state’s primary go on to win the Presidential election?
A: Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Q: Can he or she still go on to win the Presidential nomination?
A: Sometimes no, sometimes yes.
Q: Have you had complaints about your answers being somewhat evasive?
A: I’m sorry. We couldn’t hear your question. Yes? You in the back row?
Q: What “back row?” We’re not doing this in a meeting room, in real time or even with real questioners.
A: That’s a good point. A member of my staff will get back to you.
Q: If Donald Trump is the Republican nominee for President, can he beat President Biden in the fall?
A: Not if the rules are two out of three falls. Overweight people hit the mat harder than slender ones.
Q: What was the most surprising primary upset in modern times?
A: The night we drank three six-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and ate an entire family-size pepperoni pizza by ourselves while watching Jake Tapper and John King blather about exit polls on CNN.
Q: Should the Electoral College be abolished?
A: Yes. And while we’re at it, the Electoral High School and Electoral Home School, Electoral Trade School and Electoral Night School as well.
Q: I’d never heard of the Electoral Night School. What does its curriculum consist of?
A: GSL courses to help new Americans better understand our elected officials when they speak.
Q: What does GSL stand for?
A: Gibberish as a Second Language.
Q: How can I best assure that my preferred candidate will win the Primary in my state?
A: Relocate. You’re only dragging down the ticket.
Q: What? How can I be doing that? I’m not even on the ballot.
A: Your wife wrote you in. She’s itching for you to do a solo re-lo, Pal.
Q: Have you ever been physically threatened for writing this garbage?
A: Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Don’t forget! A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
