Tell-All Movie and TV Titles: Your Need-to-Know Guide

When You’re Dreaming of Streaming…

By Ed Goldman

While most of us despise “spoilers”—defined as either the people who ruin our enjoyment of a movie by giving away the ending or by the intel they actually provide us—some movies and TV shows engage us by revealing in their titles exactly what we’ll be in for.

Notable examples would be the films “Runaway Train” and “Snakes on a Plane,” “Barbie” and “Gunfight at OK Corral.” You intuitively suspect these aren’t going to be adaptations of recently unearthed Ibsen plays. 

So if you’re hoping to get some work as a screenwriter for either motion pictures or for the big screen—that’s not a typo: Have you seen the size of some people’s TVs?—here are a few proposed titles and ad blurbs that appear to reveal all. 

RUNAWAY WINE TRAIN. Napa Valley. A drunk engineer. Drunk passengers. Maximum speed 25 m.p.h. What could possibly go wrong?

ONE OF OUR PORTA-POTTIES IS MISSING! A job site. A planned home remodel. A tardy contractor. What next?

FINDER OF LOST LUGGAGE. “Ma’am, is this your Samsonite?” “Why, yes, young man, it is. Wherever did you find it?” “In your trunk, ma’am.” “You mean I never checked it?” “It happens, ma’am.” Cut to wa-wa sounds from a mournful but lightly bemused trumpet.

HAROLD, THE MYOPIC LOVE PRIUS. Harold’s drivers are always getting blamed for driving in the fast lane at 45 m.p.h. Or not knowing how to parallel park. But…Is it really the driver’s fault? Not the impish Harold’s? (Spoiler alert: Yes, it’s the driver’s fault. Get real!)

THE FIFTH BEATLE. His older brother takes up the drums. All that his parents can afford after that is a damaged kazoo. Is the aborted musical career really the fault of Stephen Starkey, aka Stinko Starr? Of course not. It’s the Prius drivers.

WHEN LOVERS FINISH WHAT THEY WERE DOING. “So, you feel like some Chinese?” “You mean go out?” “Nah.” “Take-out?” “Nah. Delivered, Babe.” “Lover!”

THE DROWSY WORDLE PLAYER. He tells his fellow players on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube not to wait on him, to just play through. They do so. Shamed, he moves to another city and tries to enroll in the FBI’s Witness protection program. He’s assigned a new identity: him. “Look, nobody can remember you even moments after meeting you,” a fair-but-firm agent tells him. “Your best disguise is to be yourself.”

TEENAGE TRANS TURTLES. Are they really teens? Are they really trans? Okay, how about turtles? You be the judge. (Known in red states and overseas markets as TEENAGE TRANSATLANTIC TURTLES.)

IRVING, THE HEARING-IMPAIRED HITMAN. He was told to kill a loan shark in Jersey. He thought they said, “Thrill a lonely narc with mercy.” He does so. They’re moving in together next week.  

POST DRAMATIC TRESS DISORDER. He cuts her bangs too short right before the prom. She’s crazy-angry. She’s phoning Irving, the Hearing-Impaired Hitman for a consult. Trouble ensues since Irving has stopped taking calls. 

WIN A DATE WITH YOUR FRENCH-DRAIN INSTALLER! Her first mistake is thinking he’s a Frenchman who happens to install drains. She gets a pedicure before he arrives. He turns out to be Myron, the neighborhood handyman. Just as disappointment clouds her face, he greets her by saying, “Bon jour!” They’re moving in together next week.