A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
“Officer! Someone Stole My Mail(box)!”
An unread-letter day for the USPS
By Ed Goldman
Using my local U.S. Post Office’s drive-through to drop in a letter or bill has turned ugly.
The most I used to do was make sure I pulled close enough to the box or its protruding little chute to casually toss in my correspondence, then zip back into traffic, silently praying I’d put enough postage on the envelope containing my five-page letter to a friend in Akron, Ohio, and deposited enough money in my checking account to cover the payments I just made on my credit cards, which I refer to collectively as my American Excess accounts.
Up-routed
But now, because USPS mailboxes—mainly freestanding ones, not the ones inside buildings—have been getting robbed by thieves armed with nothing more than industrial-strength vacuum cleaners, the Post office has modified a number of its boxes. The result is that what was once a mail slot now resembles the mouth of a very terse dog or a stocky person who swallowed a harmonica.
My first thought was that this was to keep bored anarchists from throwing inappropriate items into the previously wide-mouthed containers. But no. It’s to prevent quite engaged miscreants from sucking the contents out of the box, taking them back to their lairs and—using some miracle product I’m doubting is FDA-approved—erasing the names of the check recipients and replacing them with their own.
This is why when you receive copies of checks you’ve written during the month with your statement, you may discover that the $723.47 you sent to Mastercard is instead made out to (and is flamboyantly endorsed by) someone named Kahuna Mahalo Schwartz, International Jewish Surfing Champion.
(Btw, the fact that someone with that name was then able to cash that check probably tells you all you need to know about the cyber security in 2023.)
There is an underground market for stolen mail,” Matthew Norfleet, a U.S. Postal Inspector, told the Sacramento affiliate of CBS News. “Mail theft is a crime.” Then he rather needlessly added, “The people who do it are criminals.” That last part is useful intel, lest you thought the word “criminal” refers to a person who serves red wine with poached tilapia.
Some thieves have removed entire U.S. mailboxes from sidewalks, presumably deploying some sort of powerful glue remover (or whatever the postal agency had used to fasten the boxes to the asphalt). This is a dangerous trend, not just because mailboxes filled with cash and securities can be toted off like garden clippings but also for what it means in terms of future improbable thefts. I’m talking (a) lampposts; (b) those combo fine-jewelry/discount-tattoo kiosks in suburban shopping malls; (c) bloodmobiles; (d) book mobiles; and (e) unmoored Tuff Sheds.
I have two U.S. post offices equidistant from my home in the condominium community called Campus Commons, which I often refer to as Cramps ‘r’ Common, owing to the development’s refreshing concept of reverse gentrification (if you need to have the CC&Rs printed in 20-inch type, your residency is immediately approved).
One office is in the East Sacramento neighborhood where I lived from 1978-2017. It features an unmarked but nevertheless one-way alley that runs behind the building, where, if you happen to be going in the right direction, you used to be able to drop your mail in a box on the driver’s side. More often than not, you’d encounter someone new to the neighborhood who’d be driving in the opposite direction and have to make a very sharp U-turn to align his car with the slot.
The other post office branch is a few miles north of my condo and requires you to make a left turn on a very busy street to drive through its street-facing parking lot and slam your parcel into the mailbox positioned a few inches past a speed bump.
Both now feature those harmonica-mouth mailboxes that are almost impossible to use from your car unless you’re blessed with the reach of Gumby, Inspector Gadget or Kahuna Mahalo Schwartz, International Jewish Surfing Champion.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
Yes, Virginia
A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela
President, Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, N.A.
photo by Phoebe Verkouw
Paula Lomazzi is the Executive Director and Founding Member of Safe Ground Sacramento. As a woman who was homeless herself, Paula knows first-hand what life on the streets is like. More to the point, she knows how to overcome the challenges of living without housing and lead forward to a life of service to her community.
She is also a customer of Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, N.A., which provided a $10,000 grant to Safe Ground Sacramento.
In response, Paula wrote the testimonial below, which I consider a tribute to our bank and all caring organizations. It is with her permission that I post this:
“On behalf of Safe Ground Sacramento, I want to thank Golden Pacific Bank for this large grant, and very large check! It will help very many unhoused people in Sacramento. With higher local rent prices, more and more people are unable to afford the rents, and they are becoming homeless. High rents also make it harder for them to get out of homelessness.
“Safe Ground sponsors and advocates for groups of people that want a safe and organized place to live, where they can become stable enough to maintain employment and to work with service providers who will help them access services and eventually permanent housing. We also promote the concept of homeless people taking leadership roles in their communities.
“Safe Ground Sacramento has been banking with Golden Pacific Bank for five years. It seems longer because they have become more than a bank that keeps our funding safe. They have not only provided comfortable and friendly banking services, but have also become a friend and partner, personally and professionally. They always make me feel like their favorite customer, so I imagine they make all their customers feel special, also. They have always given great encouragement for the work we do.
“I want to specifically thank SoFi managers Virginia Varela and Latif Yusufi for all their support to Safe Ground Sacramento, and also for their dedication in helping homeless people in our community through their leadership and volunteer work.
“Thank you again for this generous grant and for becoming a partner in this important work.”
As you can well imagine, I’m proud to work for a bank that knows how to put its money where its heart is.
sponsored content