Meteorites and Kitchen Windows: Together Again!

You must try my fireballs and spaghetti.

By Ed Goldman

🎵 “Chances are, ’cause I wear a silly grin/ 
As flaming rocks burst through my walls.”
(With apologies to Johnny Mathis)

A meteorite chunk estimated to be 4.5 billion years old recently crashed through someone’s bedroom window—and all I could think was, Why didn’t I lay down a bet on this happening sooner or later?

Can you imagine what the odds would have been? Let’s do the math (which for once, really means “Let’s do the math”): One chance in 100 billion. This is according to wired.com, the website where I go to for all my physics updates.

Here are 15 similar long-shot occurrences:

1. That I’ll win the California Lottery—though I’m told my chances would increase dramatically were I to buy a ticket.
2. That I’ll win a Nobel Prize for peace, chemistry or economics.
3. That a deadlocked presidential nominating convention will turn to me in desperation—largely because I have neither personal nor criminal convictions—and beg me to be run. As its “Least-Favorite-Son” candidate. But still.
4. That all of the look-alike/sound-alike/identical-mission nonprofits in this country will merge and actually accomplish something.

5. That I will ever hum a rap tune in my car, shower or medically induced coma.
6. That we won’t hear any of the following political pronouncements after the next mass shooting: (a)”Enough is enough.” (b) “Thoughts and prayers.” (c) “It’s a mental-health issue not an easily-available guns issue.”
7. That the preponderance of mass shootings won’t prompt a TV executive to suggest a weekly reality show about the topic. The shootings happen frequently enough to merit a 52-week season for some lucky network. And speaking of “Network,” I think this was actually proposed in that extremely prescient film script by Paddy Chayefsky.  
8. That bloated Donald Trump’s age (77) and physical lethargy will be seen as infinitely more worrisome than lean Joe Biden’s age (80) and physical energy.

9. That late-model cars from at least one major manufacturer won’t be recalled for ill-functioning (check one) brakes, GPS or cup holders too small to hold a 7-Eleven Slurpee® .
10. That the next step for chain moviehouses won’t be to install Porta Potties in their La-Z-Boy recliners and attach toilet-paper rolls to the meal trays.
11. That supermarkets which already have you do your own bagging and cashiering won’t install stations where you can also grow your own vegetables, cut your own pork chops and freeze your own TV dinners—and all the while, not claim they’re passing on the savings to you. 
12. Similarly, that gas stations won’t have you not only pump your own gas, wipe your own windshield and change your own oil but also won’t ask you to do your own on-site auto repairs, including, but not limited to, relining your brakes, rotating your tires and replacing your own batteries. And all the while, not claim they’re passing on the savings to you.