It’s D-Day for V-Day: Some Last-Minute Cards

Honoring an executed Holy Roman priest—with chocolate

By Ed Goldman

Perhaps you’ve heard that Sunday is Valentine’s Day. I mean, it’s possible you missed some of the icky-poignant, senior-targeted, made-for-TV movies on the Hallmark Channel—elder-romance-themed shows with names like “Love, Laughter and Bursitis,” “The Assisted-Living February Miracle” and my personal fave, “They Died With Their Pantsuits On.” 

Maybe you’ve experienced the tsunami of politically-correct ads in every medium possible, such as, “This Valentine’s Day, give [him, her, them—or him, her and them] an $80 Kate Weiser Chocolate 35-Piece Artist Collection from Neiman Marcus. EMTs included for multiple orders if going to the same address.”

I’m not sure why the Hallmark people thought that celebrating the execution of a Holy Roman priest named Valentine around 269 or 270 A.D. should prompt consumers, many centuries later, to give their lovers boxes of candy and doggerel-dense greeting cards. 

Maybe the first cards were reportorial in nature: 

Roses are red,
This is a fact.
Just heard that Valentine
Got himself whacked.

On February 14, just nine years ago, my wife of four years (on paper) served me with what used to be called a bill of divorcement. The specific date was “a very deliberate choice,” she later told me, smiling. 

Naturally, I was shocked—not by the papers, which were long overdue, but by my discovery, entirely too late, that she had a gift for irony. Another few years and maybe she’d even have started doing puns. I probably should have been more patient.

As it turns out, one of her former romantic partners had also broken up with her on a February 14, so perhaps her doing the same thing, albeit to a different guy, was empowering—revenge by proxy, or something. The way you’re instructed to pass Patek Philippe wristwatches from generation to generation.

Yes, this truly is a holiday that can bring out the best in people. Maybe the greeting cards should reflect that a little more accurately. Here are five samples.

1. TO SOMEONE WITH SELECTIVE AMNESIA

You say you’re disenchanted,
I can only say, “Of course.”
You want your vows recanted
And I truly understand it:
But some years ago, we planned it
And obtained a full divorce.

2. TO SOMEONE WITH “ISSUES”

You said my insecurities
Were driving you insane.
That must have been a short drive.
Would you like me to explain?

3. TO SOMEONE CAUGHT CHEATING

I ask you what you see in him—
A thing one shouldn’t do,
And mainly when the answer is,
“I see he isn’t you.”

4. TO SOMEONE WHO SAYS, “LOVE YOURSELF”

I like your philosophical
(And possibly, apocryphal)
Self-serve idolatry.
You say that I should try it, too,
But if I did, we’d both love you
And who would then love me?

I like you wrap your arms around
Yourself and say your charms abound.
It must feel really nice.
Therefore, I think I’ll break up ‘til
I love myself (I know I will!)
So thanks for your advice.

5. TO SOMEONE WHO REALLY DOESN’T NEED THE CANDY

I’m sorry that I didn’t buy you
Choc’late truffles, turtles and rejoice in you in more ways.
You hardly were ignored.
In fact, you are adored.
I simply can’t afford
To go and widen all our doorways.