{"id":2791,"date":"2020-07-06T04:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-07-06T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/goldmanstate.com\/?p=2791"},"modified":"2020-07-05T23:03:33","modified_gmt":"2020-07-06T06:03:33","slug":"coming-distractions-this-summers-retooled-movie-menu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/goldmanstate.com\/2020\/07\/06\/coming-distractions-this-summers-retooled-movie-menu\/","title":{"rendered":"Coming Distractions: This Summer\u2019s Retooled Movie Menu"},"content":{"rendered":"

[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.0.1″ custom_padding=”19px||23px|||”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.7″ global_module=”2637″ saved_tabs=”all”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.7″][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/goldmanstate.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/GPB-Bank-Local-Banner.jpg” title_text=”GPB-Bank-Local-Banner” url=”https:\/\/www.goldenpacificbank.com\/” url_new_window=”on” align=”center” _builder_version=”4.4.7″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.0.1″ min_height=”114px” custom_padding=”17px||2px|||”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.0.1″][et_pb_post_title title=”off” author=”off” categories=”off” comments=”off” featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.0.2″ meta_font=”|700|on||||||” meta_text_align=”center” meta_text_color=”#ff0000″ custom_margin=”||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”||0px||false|false”][\/et_pb_post_title][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.8″ min_height=”75px” custom_margin=”||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

Coming Distractions: This Summer\u2019s Retooled Movie Menu<\/h1>\n

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Here are some re-edited seasonal hits to complement your popcorn and bourbon<\/h2>\n

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By Ed Goldman<\/h6>\n

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S<\/span>ince shooting new movies was all-but-impossible during the lockdown, canny producers figured they could simply re-edit long-ago hits for this summer. Here are some coming distractions:<\/p>\n

JOWLS (formerly, \u201cJaws\u201d): An entire continent is terrorized by a largely orange creature whose suits, once made by Brioni, are now stitched together by Omar the Tentmaker. As ominous music plays, he lures idiots to public rallies to celebrate his greatness then has them devoured by Covid-9. Despite the efforts of California Governor Gavin Handsome (played by the late and missed Roy Schneider) and a nasal scientist named Dr. Anthony Fussy (played by the always on-time and annoyingly peppy Richard Dreyfuss), businesspeople demand that all commercial enterprises stay open, re-open or close then open them again to let out the West Nile mosquitoes. Trouble ensues.<\/p>\n

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NO-IRON-MAN (nee<\/em>\u00a0\u201cIron-Man\u201d): Stay-at-home moms and dads are suddenly told they can return to their away-from-home workplaces the very next day and realize they haven\u2019t worn anything with professional creases for months. Enter No-Iron-Man (Robert Downey, Jr.) and his gal pal, Polly Esther (the always-perky Gwyneth Paltrow) who fly across the country airdropping packages of Levi’s Synthetic 502 Sta-Prest\u00ae Chinos for men and women in major American cities\u2014though, interestingly, not the Silicon Valley. \u201cIt\u2019s already\u00a0de rigueur<\/em>\u00a0for them to dress like stay-at-home slobs,\u201d Polly says brightly, smearing her face with the actress\u2019s own Goop Cleanser\u00ae (an obvious moment of product placement, which Paltrow demanded after seeing the mention of Levi’s Synthetic 502 Sta-Prest\u00ae Chinos a couple of sentences ago). When the airdropped apparel turns out not to be one-size-fits-all, trouble ensues\u2014leading to another summer movie remake, CLOTHES ENCOUNTERS OF THE NERD KIND.<\/p>\n

THE TALENTED MR. PICKLES (\u201cThe Talented Mr. Ripley\u201d): Matt Damon now plays the owner of a fast-food franchise in Davis, California whose refusal to let his staff wear political T-shirts costs him not only his business but also a lifetime supply of tuna-salad sandwiches. Trouble ensues.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_code admin_label=”TV Online Ad – Facemasks” _builder_version=”4.4.7″ global_module=”2603″ saved_tabs=”all”]\"TV

ABERRANTHOOD (adapted from the erstwhile summer smash movie and subsequent erstwhile TV series, \u201cParenthood,\u201d which ran from 1990-1991 and then again from 2010-2015, proving the show-biz maxim, \u201cIf at first you don\u2019t succeed, hire a younger cast\u201d): This time, instead of the warm and family-embracing originals, moms and dads forced to shelter-at-home are depicted sitting in the safe-distancing office of a kind but terse family relations counselor (played by the brilliantly witty comic genius Gallagher) and reassess why they ever wanted children in the first place. Gallagher\u2019s advice to all of his patients is to go home and smash watermelons on which they\u2019ve drawn cartoons of their children. (Is there any question about this man being the comedian\u2019s comedian?)<\/p>\n

PILATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (\u201cPirates of the Caribbean\u201d). Producers have taken the best chase sequences of the original film and its 19 sequels and turned\u00a0them into a swashbuckling exercise video.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.8″ hover_enabled=”0″]TITANIC XXX (\u201cTitanic\u201d): Leonardo DiCaprio now saves himself from a frozen death at sea by finding a deceased polar bear at the bottom of the ocean and crawling into his stomach, very much as he\u2019d later do in the Oscar-winning \u201cThe Revenant\u201d(often mistakenly called \u201cThe Ruminant”). During the closing credits, singer Celine Dion (\u201cMy Heart Will Go On\u201d) laments having gained 50 pounds during self-isolation. Her rendition of \u201cMy Pants Won\u2019t Go On\u201d is said to have moved several viewers\u2014away from their TV sets, but still.<\/p>\n

EX-MEN (\u201cX-Men\u201d): Erroneously billed before its unveiling on Netflix as \u201cthe first transgender big-screen musical,\u201d this Marvel flick has now been reworked into a plaintive drama about who gets custody of the tights, boots and capes when superheroes divorce. Be sure to watch for the sneak preview of Hugh Jackman as a superhero car mechanic in THE VALVOLINE. Russell Crowe drops by Hugh\u2019s garage because his car\u2019s radiator seems sad. By the time he leaves, however, the car\u2019s not much GLADIATOR, so Russell pelts Hugh with tuna-salad sandwiches. Trouble ensues. <\/span>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_code admin_label=”Adsense Horizontal” _builder_version=”4.3.2″ width=”90%” width_tablet=”” width_phone=”” width_last_edited=”on|phone” max_width=”90%” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”|0px||0px|false|false” custom_margin_tablet=”” custom_margin_phone=”|0px||0px|false|false” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” global_module=”1433″ saved_tabs=”all”]