Photo by Cynthia Larsen
50-Year Mortgages: Just the Beginning!
Ways to increase your debt load at no extra cost
By Ed Goldman
Welcome to 2026! As you’ll recall, there was a 2025 idea of creating a 50-year home mortgage. Floated by the Trump administration, it quickly morphed into a reboot of the old TV show, “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.”
Many people saw it as a ruse to give lenders the chance to collect enough interest on a home loan to eventually make the dwelling cost five times more than its original price.
Was that you I heard coffin?
Others saw the simple absurdity of people buying a house or condo in their early 30s and not paying it off until their early 80s. This would make burn-the-mortgage parties very dangerous events for elderly people who sometimes forget to turn off their gas ovens after dinner. Maybe the White House has another new program in mind: Seniors In Space.
Well, let’s not rush to judgment. That’s the job of news media panels. Here are some other programs I think the Trump brain-trust might want to consider to deal with a variety of issues, many of their own making:
–A 14-Year Car Loan. It’s been estimated that in the first month you own a brand-new car it decreases in value by 10 percent. Some say it diminishes that much by the time you drive it off the sales lot—a figure I’d question unless we were talking about a Prius or Yugo (a new model of the latter is set to go into production in 2027, so mark your repair-shop calendars now and avoid the rush!). Anyway, why would you want a 14-year car loan? If your answer is “The interest payments will be deductible,” please call your tax advisor. Or lend me a few thousand dollars until payday. (Whose payday I’m not at liberty to reveal.)
–DIY Heart Bypass Kits. Healthcare in this country is a mess, according to everyone running for office, regardless of party affiliation or accuracy. Why not cut down on hospital costs by learning laser surgery on your own time and performing it in your comfy COVID-era home office? We’ll send you everything you need to make this resemble a hospital stay: (a) an advance directive, in which you authorize us to harvest your organs and sell them on the black market, preferably after you’ve died; (b) extremely dated magazines from the loved ones’ waiting room; (c) an erratic buzzer that will go off from time to time while you’re sleeping after you complete your successful surgery or final act on this planet; (d) a genuine laser “scalpel” which you can use for your operation then keep to torment your already neurotic cat by not only shining it on the wall but also taking out part of that wall; (e) a flurry of get-well cards from complete strangers; (f) a gift certificate to a cryogenics warehouse in your zip code.
–Student Loans for Lifelong Learners. Why should only young medical students be given the opportunity to plunge themselves into eternal debt via the government’s giveth-and-taketh-away student loan programs? For lifelong learners—generally, people nearing the end of their chronologically long lives—the federal government is prepared to offer loans of up to $100,000 on an interest-free basis until you pass away; at that point, your heirs will assume the debt and make monthly payments at nine percent interest until they, too, pass away—at which point, their children will be accorded the privilege of learning about lifelong debt restructuring at very young ages.
–Wedding Rings Bought “On Time”. This doesn’t refer to the delightful Lerner-and-Loewe song “Get Me to the Church on Time,” as sung by Alfred P. Dolittle in “My Fair Lady”—but, instead, to your chance to purchase a lovely set of engagement and wedding rings on a lay-awake basis (oops. Our bad. We meant lay-away). Think of it! With our 15-year plan you can celebrate your crystal anniversary the same day you pick up your rings. If by then you’ve married, divorced and remarried, not a problem: the rings are yours! (We do advise bringing an attorney to the final pickup just in case there are some hard feelings—as well as injunctions or restraining orders if the feelings are quite hard.)
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
