Photo by Cynthia Larsen

Vile you were out…

By Ed Goldman

The Devil and Daniel Webster” is a 1937 story by Stephen Vincent Benet about Satan being defended in court by the legendary lawyer in the title. It’s now been adapted as a one-act play and updated. Our crack team of investigative journalists managed to unearth the manuscript—literally. They found it sticking partially out of a flowerbed in front of a sports bar they told me they’d been investigating until Happy Hour concluded. 

“The Devil and Donald Trump” depicts Satan interviewing our beloved BLOTUS (Bloviator of the United States) to see if he’d be a good successor to the Prince of Darkness, who’s rumored to be considering retirement, provided he gets to keep the pitchfork and his Obamacare premiums don’t increase. In a letter to his insurance broker, he listed as an existing medical condition the shoulder injury he incurred in his fall from Heaven. “Look, PT and opioids can only do so much,” he pleaded. 

Setting: The C-suite corner office in Hell. On the walls are paintings and photos of Satan sharing a laugh with such historical figures as Attila (“I’ll call you Bae if you call me Hun,” reads the ruthless warrior’s puckish inscription); Vlad the Impaler (who wrote a simple but heartfelt message: “Fangs for the memories—V”); and Vladimir Putin, who kidded, “No, YOU go open the window!” 

SATAN: Have a seat, M’Lard. Oops. My bad. “M’Lord” is of course what I meant to say. 

DONALD (Waggling a stumpy index finger at his host): I’ll get you for that, you scamp! (They both giggle like school boys and Tucker Carlson). 

SATAN (Reaching into his desk drawer and producing a multi-page report): Very impressive questionnaire responses, Donald. 

DONALD (Shrugging): I haven’t read it. I barely knew Epstein. I have no idea who the crypto mogul I pardoned is. I was just kidding about the tariffs, about conquering inflation and ending 17 wars around the world. I haven’t met Eric Trump. I— 

SATAN: Easy, Donald. I’d say “Chill,” but the flames surrounding us would make the remark disingenuous. 

DONALD: I’ve been called that! After my most recent cognitive test, the psychologist pointed to me and said, “Dis genius!” 

SATAN: Um…not exactly what I said, Donald. Look, you must be hungry. Here it is 8:45 a.m. and you haven’t eaten since breakfast at 8:41. Can I get you your favorite South Korean cuisine, beef patties with ketchup? 

DONALD: Do—? 

SATAN: “—fries come with that?” Of course, Donald. 

DONALD: Wow, it’s like you went right into my mind and read that! 

SATAN: There were very few obstacles in my path. (Looks at questionnaire) Well, let’s take this category by category: “Number One: Have you ever separated children from their parents even if the parents were legal aliens? Check. Number Two: Have you claimed that you ended COVID even though you recommended that drinking Cascade dishwashing detergent was a cure? Check. Did you ever tell pregnant women to stop taking Tylenol because it caused autism even though there’s no evidence it does—and that not taking it to relieve pain can be more dangerous? Check.” 

DONALD: I love women and babies. I believe I’ve had several of both but don’t ask me to name them. I have people for that. They also bring me Diet Cokes whenever I want. Is America great again, or what? 

SATAN: (Rolling his icy eyes, he resumes reading): “Number Three: Did you arrange to cancel and/or persecute TV hosts Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel, former FBI director James Comey and New York’s attorney general Letitia James? Check.” (Glances at Donald) Stop beaming with pride. This interview is over.  

DONALD: But…but… 

SATAN: After a long day of causing death and destruction in the Middle East, Niger, the Ukraine and California fire country, do you know what I look forward to more than anything? Do you?