Photo by Cynthia Larsen

Just in time for the cusp of Sagittarius, or whatever

By Ed Goldman

As promised (threatened) in our previous outing, here’s a new all-purpose/no-real-purpose astrological chart to guide your life when you get tired of that GPS harpy always telling you to make U-turns on off-ramps.  

We’ve taken the liberty of renaming the usual signs for much the same reason your grocer switches items around in the store just when you were getting used to finding them easily. In other words, simply to be obnoxious: 

Airy (formerly Aries, March 22-April 19): Since this sign covers the arrival of spring, why shouldn’t it be named for a place with plenty of light and windows and no artificial air conditioning and maybe a leak or two in one of the windows and a couple of thresholds that definitely could use some shoring up? Airy people are generally non-handy, keep plumbers on speed-dial and think changing the oil in their cars is not why they earned a master’s in basketry studies.  

Bull-Puckey (formerly Taurus, around April 30-May 20): Taurus is the sign of the bull, of course, and most horoscopes have enough of that without reminding us, am I right? No, don’t answer. It’d just be B.S. 

Schizo (formerly Gemini, circa May 21-June 20): People under this sign have to be greeted twice at the same time because they’re two-faced and probably were in cliques at school. I think we called them “soshes” (long “o”).

Canker Sore (nee Cancer, June 21-July 22): While canker sores are no bargain, wouldn’t you rather be born under that sign instead of under the name of a terrifying illness? I thought so. In fact, I know about you. You like things to be nice, for everyone to get along, for there to never be conflict. In fact, the stars consider you a wimp and a hypochondriac.   

Lipo (the erstwhile Leo, Judy 23-August 22): You’re always concerned about your weight but brag you weigh the same as you did in high school. Since you were just as morbidly obese then as now, this is an accurate but perhaps misleading claim. A Lipo is not to be trusted at smorgasbords, receptions serving heavy hors d’oeuvres or free-sample kiosks in shopping malls.    

Verge Of (the onetime Virgo, August 23 – September 22): This is the sign of people who seem to be just about to do something noteworthy but probably won’t because they’re easily distracted. Kind of like virgins, their sign’s original meaning. 

Librarian (previously known as Libra, September 23 – October 22): “Bookish” doesn’t begin to describe people born under this sign. But the describing doesn’t really have to begin at all because the floor-to-ceiling shelves in their kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms and ADU pretty much spell out their obsession. As any gastroenterologist would tell you, this sign’s curse is too much binding.

Scorpico (the late Scorpio, October 23 – November 21): This almost sounds like Serpico, the famously heroic detective who outed corruption in the NYPD, was portrayed by the great Al Pacino in the movie but then by the late David Birney in the TV adaptation. Birney had previously co-starred in “Bridget Loves Bernie,” a sitcom that lasted for 24 episodes until someone actually watched it. “Serpico” lasted for just 15 episodes. The connecting thread between both failed shows? The late David Birney. He was an Aries, by the way. 

Sagging Arches (whose antecedent was Sagittarius, November 22 – December 21): We’ve renamed this to reflect its status as the final complete sign of the year—and that its adherents are likely very tired by the time they celebrate their birthdays.