Photo by Cynthia Larsen
The Stars Mis-Align? Who Saw This Coming?
A shift in the cosmos may explain… not much
By Ed Goldman
People who plan their lives around astrology are often considered to be flaky, conceivably because they are.
Yet a stunning new finding (if you’re easily stunned) suggests that the star signs with which we’re affiliated based on our birthdays may have shifted, cosmically speaking. Citing such scientific-sounding phenomena (if you’re an 11-year-old boy) as “ophiuchus” and my personal fave, “earth’s wobble,” the New York Times reports that the sign you think is yours “might not be what you think.” This means that I, who was born on November 15 under the sign of Scorpio and my father’s medical plan, may not be all I was hoping I was.
Show ‘n’ foretell
According to one website, “Scorpios’ intense passion often degrades into a controlling spirit. Scorpios can become overly obsessed with power—who has it and who doesn’t—both within their individual relationships and the world at large, which can make them seem domineering and unyielding.”
I’m wounded. I’ve never controlled anything in my life —except my temporary addiction to lattes and maple scones, which credit card debt and a sudden spate of cavities cured me of.
Nor have I either sought or ever obtained anything resembling power—unless you count the heat pump I’d had installed on the roof of a home I once owned, an appliance whose power strips caught fire on a frigid winter’s night in 1989, causing me to relocate wife, baby and puppy to a nearby motel, whose HVAC system also failed a couple of hours later. On so many levels, I felt thoroughly powerless.
When I was younger, Scorpios were defined somewhere as “sexually driven and good detectives.” Now, modesty— as well as the ongoing threat of litigation—prevent my commenting on the first trait. Yet I can tell you without hesitation, as well as any fear of someone stepping forward to contradict me, that as a detective, I often find myself (wait for it) completely clueless. But I digress.
“Earth wobbles like a top,” the Times reports. “A spinning top starts to wobble soon after it is set into motion. Earth does the same thing, only more slowly.” Thank God for that. My occasional vertigo simply couldn’t abide external, bonus wobbling.
“This wobble,” the newspaper says, “means that our view of the stars shifts by one degree every 72 years. Over centuries, this difference builds up.”
Okay, two issues. On the aforementioned November 15 birthday this year, I turned 75, meaning—if I’m interpreting this correctly, and there’s certainly no reason to believe I am—that I’ve lived through one of those one-degree star shifts. As for the statement, “Over centuries, this difference builds up,” well, just substitute “lengthy marriage” for “centuries” and pluralize the term “this difference” and I think you’ll agree with this scientific response: “Well, duh.”
If that’s a disheartening comparison, just think about how lint builds up in your clothes dryer, even if you drop one of those Cling-Free doilies into each load.
Is it time for a new set of astrological signs? That’s what I’m thinking—and hoping you’ll join me for our next column, in which I’ll propose revised birth signs for the star-crossed among us. Check your local horoscope to see if you’re available.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
