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Field reports from your ballot balladeers

By Ed Goldman

Since tomorrow is Election Day in almost every state—though the gravity of the issues differ widely in a non-Presidential, non-Midterms year—we still thought it might be good to provide A GENERIC VOTERS’ GUIDE.

The “we” consists of The Goldman State election team: Our municipal reporter, Irwin DeKaye; our county reporter, Inda Styx; our state correspondent Bea Neath-D’Dome; and our national watchdog, National Velveeta, who’s not only a naturalized but also a pasteurized citizen. Here are excerpts of the written reports turned in by the crew I hand-selected (which is to say, if they had nice hands, they made the cut):

IRWIN DeKAYE: Thanks, boss. In cities, community service districts, villages, towns and hamlets across America, voters will be asked to vote on measures that will:

(a) Add a five-cent surcharge to every purchase involving a nickel; the expected revenue windfall will help fund the re-plastering of a swimming pool in the backyard of a councilmember who says, “Because I live in the community it will qualify as a community swimming pool.”

(b) Eliminate language in the city charter, which was adopted in 1873, prohibiting the display of ankles by either men or women except when riding on a bicycle built for two, especially if the woman’s name is Daisy, Daisy. I’ve asked the city clerk to notify me immediately after the ballots are counted. She assures me “I’ll give you the answer, do.”

INDA STYX: The local measures are really dull but it’s worth noting that counties across the country are experiencing a collective identity crisis. It comes down to a single question: Who the hell needs a county, anyway?

For example, in your own Sacramento, there were once just four cities: Folsom, Isleton, Galt and Sacramento, which became known by a nifty acronym, the FIGS Cities. In recent years, voters opted to incorporate these new cities: Citrus Heights, Elk Grove, Rancho Cordova, making for a very lousy acronym: FIGSCHEGRC.

The county even brought in a celebrated acronym consulting firm, but the best it could come up with was CHIGGERS, which left out the an f and an h. Distraught at having its effort rejected, the firm doubled-down and suggested FISHCREGG, going to far as to commission a cartoonist to create an affable angler named “Fish Cregg” who’d always be depicted casting his line in the Sacramento or American River, both of which are in the county. When none of the county supervisors could think of anyone they knew named Cregg, the consultant agreed to commission a small plane and commit collective kamikaze once its bill was paid.

BEA NEATH-D’DOME: As you know, m’lord, the big story this year is redistricting, also called gerrymandering, juryrigging and beingnaughty. In California, Governor Gavin Handsome (oh, excuse me, make that Governor Newsom. I just met him and will never wash again even though he didn’t shake my hand) has a measure that will create voting districts consisting entirely of registered Democrats and will cart away Republicans in a fleet of air-cooled minivans to keep them comfortable on the ride to their drop-off point somewhere in the state’s picturesque Mojave Desert.