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How Would You Like to be Stopped by a 7’3” Cop?
A pro B-Baller finds a new beat
By Ed Goldman
CBS-TV reported this fall that Jordan Wilmore, a 24-year-old professional basketball player, had left the sport to go into his first love, law enforcement. While I find this totally admirable, I’m wondering if a young man who’s 7’3 tall will have some difficulty adjusting to routine cop assignments, such as the following:
1. INFILTRATING THE MOB. We are in a bar that only a gangster or slightly tipsy hyena would call classy. A MOB BOSS bearing a striking resemblance to actor Joe Pesci greets his new assistant, who’s actually Undercover Officer Jordan Wilmore.
MOB BOSS: So you’re the new guy, huh?
JORDAN WILMORE: Yeah.
Copping out
MOB BOSS: You got a name?
JW: Jordan. But my homies call me Shorty.
MOB BOSS: You think that’s funny?
JW: No, sir.
MOB BOSS: You think I’m funny?
JW: Uh…no, sir.
MOB BOSS: Oh, so you don’t think I’m funny?!
JW: I..I…
MOB BOSS: Well, that’s weird, Jordan, ‘cause everyone else around here thinks I’m funny. Louie “Tater Tots” Tortelli thinks I’m funny. Tony “Veal Medici” Ferranti thinks I’m a riot. Vito “Side Salad” Caprizzo falls on the *$#!!@%^ floor when I say something.
JW (laughing): Well, I gotta admit, those names are pretty funny, sir.
MOB BOSS: Yeah? Well, those are all my cousins. (There is an awkward moment of silence) So what’s your real nickname, pal?
JW (After a quick mull): Jordan “Jumbo Shrimp” Wilmore.
MOB BOSS: Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. And next time, sit down when you meet with me.
JW: I am sitting, sir.
2. TALKING TO SCHOOL KIDS. We’re in the third-grade classroom of Ms. Amanda Faversham at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School and Planned Parenthood Satellite Office in Baraboo, Wisconsin.
AMANDA: Class, we have a very special guest today: Mr. Jordan Wilmore, a former professional basketball player who wanted to be a policeman. Can you say “Pay cut”?
CLASS (In unison): Pay cut!
AMANDA (Removing her reading glasses to get a good look at her guest, she coughs a little): Oh, my…
CLASS (Coughs a little, then says in unison): Oh, my…
AMANDA (Recovering): Officer Jordan is here today to give us some very useful advice. Officer Jordan?
JW: Thank you, Ms. Ampersand. I—
AMANDA: That’s Faversham.
JW: I feel you.
AMANDA: (Blushing): Officer Jordan!
JW: Just an expression, Ms., uh, Ms.—
AMANDA: (Trying to catch her breath): Ampersand.
JW: I thought it was Faversham.
AMANDA: Oh, right. —Say, do you like Chianti? I’ve always been partial to Dubonnet on the rocks. Or even—Oh, I’m sorry, children. Here’s Officer Jordan’s advice.
JW: Well, kids, life is a lot like basketball, except when it’s more like extreme frisbee or Olympic Mah Jongg. As you lace up your sneakers and step onto the glossy hardwood of life, you should have a complete understanding of the game’s laws. It also helps to practice dribbling—which, from the look of a few of you, is second nature. Now, let’s talk about the personal fouls that your opponents will commit to stop the timer of life occasionally. It seems—
AMANDA: Oh my, Officer Jordan! So much to learn! Children, let’s all thank Officer Jordan before we leave for lunch.
JW (Consulting his Rolex): It’s, like, 9:15 a.m., Ms. Faversham.
CLASS (In unison): Thank you, Officer Jordan!
AMANDA: I also can be talked into the occasional Banana Daiquiri.
3. WORKING AS A TRAFFIC COP. Officer Jordan Wilmore has pulled over a driver for doing 80 miles per hour.
JW: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?
DRIVER (Leaning out of his car window and craning his neck to look upward): Why am I talking to a pair of knees? —Oh, there you are.
JW: Sir, we clocked you as driving 80 miles per hour.
DRIVER: Officer, I was just keeping up with traffic.
JW: In the car wash?!
DRIVER: Can I help it if people are in a hurry? I wanted to slow down, believe me. But then another car would’ve slammed on its brakes and I’d get hit in the back and then I’d’ve crashed into the guy in front of me and before you knew it, we’d have had a chain-reaction catastrophe. I think I may deserve a medal for putting public safety ahead of my own. (He chuckles at his cleverness)
JW: You think that’s funny?
DRIVER: No, I—
JW: Then you don’t think that’s funny?
DRIVER: Not in the sli—
JW: Because a bunch of guys I know wouldn’t think that’s funny. Guys like Louie “Tater Tots” Tortelli wouldn’t think it was funny. Tony “Veal Medici” Ferranti wouldn’t think you’re a riot. Even Vito “Side Salad” Caprizzo wouldn’t fall on the *$#!!@%^ floor when he heard that….
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
