Most of us know catastrophists—those people who claim to smell trouble brewing even if it turns out to be nothing more than an acrid pot of green tea. Of course, if it’s smelling acrid because it’s burning on your stovetop, that COULD be a legit image omen.
Catastrophists will tell you to prepare to evacuate when they hear there’s a wildfire burning in Cincinnati when you live in Oahu. Even when follow-up reports indicate it’s 99 percent contained.
If you experience a momentary sharp pain in your elbow they’ll insist you go in for an MRI. When the cause is revealed to be that you‘d cradled your phone too intensely during a call that went on for over an hour, they’ll settle for you getting a routine X-ray.
The payday for committed catastrophists is that every once in a while one of their predictions may turn out to be at least semi-accurate. This gives them temporary bragging rights—and, after all, they’ve achieved their real goal of being the center of attention.
So! Does this line of unsalaried work appeal to you? Do you wish to get in touch with your inner Nostradamus? We’ve created an online course to make your transition an easy one—though you’ll be pleased to know, something will probably go wrong and someday we’ll all be dead!
For just $30 a day and a balloon payment due in six months of the equity in your home, you’ll…
1. Learn how to predict the death of your enemies! We’ll show you some garden-variety curses bound to take effect, depending on the enemies’ ages, in from 75 years (if the enemies are in their 20s) to as few as 18 years (for enemies past 89).
2. Discover why shouting “Fire!” in a crowded theater causes more than simply predicting catastrophe; it can actually cause it. Whereas, walking up to firefighters at work and yelling “Theater!” is a solid prediction. Sooner or later, one of these brave public servants is likely to take in a play or movie. And sometime thereafter is likely to die. See #1 above for an informal actuarial discussion.
3. Find out the difference between these two dire prognostications: (a) If something can go wrong, it will; and (b) If something can go right it’ll become a Hallmark Channel holiday perennial.
4. Figure out the effect it can have on someone who simply can’t find her keys, especially if this happens regularly, that it’s a harbinger of something far more calamitous. We’ll show you how to employ subtly nuanced catastrophism:
Key Loser: Sorry to be late. I couldn’t find my keys again.
You: Apropos of nothing, does Alzheimer’s run in your family?
5. See how if that last thing catches on, you can try this variation:
Angry Friend: Sorry if I was a bit cross. Just having a bad day.
You: Apropos of nothing, does insanity run in your family?
6. Learn how to throw a note of caution into a wedding:
Guest: They look so happy together.
You: Yes. For now. But I have to wonder…
Guest (alarmed): Wonder what?!
You: Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud. Are you going to finish that cocktail frank?
7. Definitely sound like an automotive expert when you’re a passenger in someone’s brand new car by asking, “Is this the model that Consumer Reports called a ‘death trap’ a few months back? I may have that wrong. But maybe not. —No, wait. It was ‘hell on wheels.’ Yeah, that was it!”
8. Begin to philosophize that for those who feel, life is a tragedy—and for those who think, life is a comedy. Then there are those who couldn’t care less about any of this. For them, Life is a breakfast cereal.
9. Prognosticate more trouble in the Middle East, mass shootings in the U.S., more apathy in Congress (especially about those mass shootings), more climate-change deniers (even those who perish in a tsunami that reaches their home in Palm Springs and continued world domination by artificial intelligence. The latter has been responsible for my career, though I understand there’s now a computer application for it.)
Don’t forget! A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
