Photo by Cynthia Larsen
Hanks, But No Hanks: Save the Private Lyin’
West Point’s dignity heads south
By Ed Goldman
I’m not sure how much more Tom Hanks can do to prove he’s a patriot. The two-time Oscar-winning actor, director, writer and documentary film maker has done far more than our bone-spurious, Draft-dodging, bloviating civilian president has ever done to authentically honor American service people.
Hanks has played a battalion’s worth of military roles in movies. More important, his off-screen soldiering has included serving as the national spokesperson for the World War II Memorial in Washington DC., working on the late Bob Dole’s campaign to create the Dwight D Eisenhower Memorial, being an honorary member of the US Army’s Ranger Hall of Fame and, a mere nine years ago, receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Some other Tom, perhaps…
But for the Manly Military Men on West Point’s alumni association, Hanks’s exercise of free speech and support of Democratic candidates apparently disqualify him to accept an award it was poised to present to him this very month, an award whose rationale was largely based on the accomplishments I just listed, which I adapted from a news release. A news release issued by, you guessed it, West Point.
Question: Are these actually Manly Military Men—or high school Mean Girls who, like, don’t want to upset the head Mean Girl, Donaldine Trump, who’ll, like, ghost them or, like, worse, cancel them for like, liking Tom, the cute guy?
Our reliably fictitious sources have provided us with a transcript of the secret meeting of the clique that dis-invited one of the most popular, pro-military guys on campus to receive the award:
RETIRED COLONEL MARK BIEGER (who stated that the cancellation would allow the institution to “continue its focus on its core mission of preparing cadets to lead, fight and win as officers in the world’s most lethal force, the United States Army”): So, are we, like, all here? Did everyone get their requested salad or vegan entrée?
UNNAMED RETIRED ADMIRAL: Sorry, Colonel, but I specifically requested no cheese. And here there’s one practically making moves on my butternut squash kale salad. Sorry to be, like, a problem child, but I swear to God, I’m major bummed.
UNNAMED RETIRED MAJOR: Hey, “Major Bummed” was my nickname when I went up against the Enema Fleet in Granada. Strike that, enemy fleet. Anyway, I, like, resent that remark
UNNAMED RETIRED ADMIRAL: Oh, so sorry/not sorry. I’m all, like, whatever today.
RETIRED COLONEL MARK BIEGER: “Whatever” what?
UNNAMED RETIRED ADMIRAL: It’s, like, this Tom Hanks thingie. Oh, I think Donaldine’s totally tubing him was totally tubular. But still…like…it’s grody, all right, but…I dunno…
UNNAMED RETIRED MAJOR: I, like, feel you. I think what Donaldine did is bitchin’. But I can’t help feeling, you know, like we’re gonna get killed for this. Literally.
UNNAMED RETIRED ADMIRAL: Literally? As if.
UNNAMED RETIRED MAJOR: Well, not literally like “literally.” You know. The other thing.
RETIRED COLONEL MARK BIEGER: Figuratively?
UNNAMED CPO: Gnarly, Colonel! Totally!
UNNAMED RETIRED MAJOR: Oh, gag me with your silver spoon, you kiss-up.
UNNAMED CPO: That’s like, you, but who am I?
RETIRED COLONEL MARK BIEGER: People! Chill pills all around, okay? We have to decide if we’re going to dis-invite Tom Hanks, who was awesome in “Saving Private Ryan,” “Captain Phillips” and “Sully”—and let’s not forget he served in ‘nam as “Forrest Gump,” ‘kay? We have to like, listen, to Donaldine if we don’t want to lose the fruit salad on our chests, our titles, our military retirement, our paid-for housing, our drivers and our exclusive overnight use of the Officers Club when entertaining our nieces from Baltimore.
UNNAMED RETIRED MAJOR: Just as a point of convo, fruit salad isn’t allowed on my paleo diet.
RETIRED COLONEL MARK BIEGER: Noted.
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Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
