Photo by Cynthia Larsen
Is Fast-Track Med School Right for You?
Call your doctor if you think he’s qualified
By Ed Goldman
Because of the shortage of U.S. physicians—as opposed to Ph.D’s, whose supply is aggravatingly copious—a new breed of medical schools that “fast-track” training has been cropping up. Or as docs themselves like to say when your symptoms become obvious, these new schools have been “presenting.”
Through anonymous sources whose names I’d reveal for the right price, this column has obtained a list of courses that will be offered at the all-new/on-line/take-even-prisoners medical academy, DOC U! (Contrary to rumor, its follow-up tagline is not, “And the horse you rode in on.”) Here are the most popular classes:
ANATHEMA TO ANATOMY—At DOC U! you can forget about playing with corpses to learn the parts of the body. There’s no time for that—and besides, it’s icky. Instead, just as you have to prove you’re human to be allowed to spend money at an online bazaar, you’ll be shown a series of nude pictures and be instructed like so: (a) “Identify how many of the photos contain a human pinky.” (b) “Indicate which of these naked runners will not tear their ACLs at some point?” (c) “What part of the senior-citizen pickleball player’s body is the EMT thumping desperately with flattened fists?”
First, do no smarm
FROM BILE TO BIOLOGY: THE PATH TO MODERN MEDICINE HAS BEEN QUITE A GURNEY—This refresher course will introduce students to when leeches were themselves introduced into medieval bodies. You’ll also learn about the archaic theory of people containing yellow bile, which is the source of hissy fits, and black bile, which makes you melancholy, baby. For extra credit, students can write about Simone Biles, who’s won 11 Olympic medals despite being 4’8”—which doesn’t really seem fair, does it? She’s so tiny, how could you even see if she’s doing her routines that great, much less call her one of the greatest athletes who ever lived?
GENETICS—If your mom’s dad kept his hair until he died at 93, does that mean you will? How about your sister or labradoodle? (And what are you going to do with your mom’s dad’s hair, anyway?) This course offers a rapid overview of such considerations as the principles of heredity, or how to sweet-talk your great-aunt into leaving you her house by Lake Chaubunagungamaug in Webster, Massachusetts. It’s famous for its beauty and having the longest damn name for a lake in the entire United States. You’ll also learn how to tell the difference between RNA and DNA (hint: note the spelling).
MICROBIOLOGY, MACROBIOLOGY, MACAROONS AND MACARONI: ARE YOU REALLY WHAT YOU ATE? Currently on hiatus due to a protest from the CADL (Cannibal Anti-Defamation League).
LAB RETRIEVERS—Sometimes hospitals misplace their vials of plasma. This is no time to rhetorically ask, “¿Qué Sera?” After your supervisor groans at your pun, get on your bicycle and find some sera, then bring it to the delivery dock of the closest hospital. You’ll not only be thanked but possibly given a sugar cookie and box of orange juice for being a blood donor.
BEDSIDE MANNER(S)—This six-minute course is all about reminding young people to say “please” and “thank you” when performing surprise colonoscopies on patients who’d merely stopped by the hospital to get flu shots. Taught by the distinguished proctologist, Yul Ben Dover.
SCRUB FASHIONS—Once you become an intern (week six) and are well on your way to becoming a resident (week 12), you’ll want to start hanging around at coffee shops and bistros in your surgical scrubs, regardless of whether you’re studying to be a surgeon. We’ll even lend you a stethoscope to hang loosely around your neck. Caution: Don’t also wear a bracelet while rocking this outfit. You might be mistaken for a runaway patient.
GOLF—Once you begin your own medical practice, you’ll immediately want to make yourself unavailable every Wednesday starting at noon, since statistics show that no one on the planet gets sick on Wednesday afternoons. For example, today’s Wednesday and we bet you feel just fine. If not, get a second opinion.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
