Photo by Cynthia Larsen

Holy See me, now you don’t

By Ed Goldman

A story from the Associated Press recently reported that the Catholic Church has “rolled out a campaign to urge ordinary Catholics to help bail out the Holy See, whose structural deficit is put at up to $68 million.” 

I imagine that’s causing a simultaneous, worldwide, interfaith reaction something like this: “Sixty-eight million dollars?! Jesus Christ!”

Under the Chicago-born Pope Leo XIV, “the Vatican this year is betting on an American-style fundraising pitch, with a video, poster, QR codes and website soliciting donations via credit card, PayPal and bank transfer,” according to AP. It recently faced its own revenue-threatening challenge when President Trump barred the wire service, which was founded in 1846, from attending White House press briefings and other events. 

A judge reversed that order. Something about the First Amendment, evidently.

What surprises me about the Catholic Church going on a fundraising spree is that despite its “structural deficit”—which sounds like they’ve discovered there aren’t enough nails and T-nuts holding up the walls of the cathedral —the Church’s international coffers are estimated at between $10 billion to $265 billion. 

I was wondering how one goes about “messaging” a fund drive to fix a deficit totaling .0257 percent of an institution’s holdings. So I Zoom-called this column’s consulting development director, Kix Tarter. I first met Kix when she was consulting with a nonprofit board I served on but had some doubts about (Mothers Against Designated Drivers) and was impressed by her candor when she told the directors, “The very existence of this board is insane. For my telling you that, you’ll receive my invoice in your Spanx before you can leave the building.”

Over the years, I watched her raise funds for the Child Psychologists Association (which literally consisted of toddlers with advanced degrees), a group called FETA (which monitored the safety of cheese on film sets) and an organization which had lawyers coaching English teachers on how to increase their pay. Billable Syllables, Inc., now has chapters in San Francisco, Chicago, New York, L.A. and two of the United Arab Emirates.

The Zoom lights came on and there was Kix, resplendent in one of Lauren Sanchez Bezos’ discarded wedding dresses. As I complimented her on the screen backdrop of the French Riviera, our chat began.

KIX: That’s not a screen backdrop, Honey, I’m really on the Riviera, but you’re adorable to think so. I like your backdrop, though. It looks like an office last dusted in 2002.

ME (thinking faster than usual): Uh…thanks. It has a kind of authentic tackiness that helps me feel more compassionate when I write.

KIX: Let’s halt the baloney wagon, Honey. I’ve been to your office, remember? In fact, in 2002.

ME: Oh. Yeah. I for–

KIX: In fact, I’m the one who dusted it.

ME: Well, that was then, this is–

KIX: Your company is the only unintentional nonprofit I ever worked with.

ME: I’d rather you not mention–

KIX: What about your paternity suit?

ME: What paternity suit?!

KIX: That one you’ve worn since you became a father 39 years ago. Trust me, Honey, airplane-wing lapels aren’t coming back in real soon. That suit makes you look Like Linda Evans on “Dynasty.” Only, feminine.

ME (trying to regain control of myself, if not the narrative): Kix, I called because I’m wondering how you would advise Pope Leo to message his campaign to raise funds for the Catholic Church when it’s already rolling in money and gold and property and lawsuits—but mainly money and gold and property.

KIX: Whaddaya mean how would I advise him? I am advising him. Who d’ya think planted that story with the AP—James B. Comey? Lemme tell ya, Honey: When it comes to doing press leaks, James B. Lame.

ME: I guess I should’ve known. So tell me: What comes next in the campaign after urging those “ordinary Catholics” to send Leo money?

KIX: What’s with the air quotes around ordinary Catholics? You never did air quotes.

ME: I didn’t know how else to indicate in my column that I was quoting something. I guess I could’ve waggled my eyebrows and winked.