Photo by Cynthia Larsen

We’ll donate our Pulitzer to science

By Ed Goldman

Last week’s three-day nuptials of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez proved to be not only a multi-media gossip spectacular on the order of The Real Housewife of Phrygia (where King Midas reigned and purred), but also the pilot for a new reality show, PreNups of the Rich and Famous.

For non-attorneys, most people who’ve participated in the creation of a prenup would agree that this contract can also be called an M.O.U., or Memo Of Uncomfortableness.

Not surprisingly, the news media and social media tried for weeks to get hold of what was in the cuddlesome twosome’s matrimonial docs. Well, I’m proud to report that as an outlet for rogue journalism, The Goldman State beat them all. But before our big reveal, a few words of clarification may be appropriate.

1. Since Bezos is reportedly the third richest man on the planet, one might assume that the majority of the pre-nup was more concerned with protecting his assets than Sanchez’s (the most obvious of which were on full display at the second Trump inauguration, I’m forced to suggest with a lack of my usual gallantry).
2. While it’s equally unfair to mention, from a viewpoint of sheer aesthetics, Bezos and Sanchez are an odd couple, glam-wise. She looks as though she could have been a movie star in any and every era of Hollywood, or at the very least, the most unforgettable homecoming queen in the history of high school; whereas, he most resembles a link of kielbasa that got talked into wearing a golf shirt. Now, no one but they know the dimensions or details of their inner attraction to each other. (Please, no snark about mutual treasure chests. We’re trying to run a respectable column here.)

Anyway, here are deets you come to us for:

BEZOS: He will retain ownership of Amazon, the Western Hemisphere and all seven rings of Saturn.

SANCHEZ: She will hold onto her memberships in the Dior Spa at Hótel Plaza Athenée in Paris, the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, the COMO Shambhala in Bali, and all the 24-Hour Fitness outlets in the continental United States. Memberships in Guam, Puerto Rico and Hawaii outlets will be negotiable after the marriage has lasted more than 120 days and/or she or he is with child.

BEZOS: He will continue to be the sole property owner of several mansions scattered throughout the world, a fleet of Rolls Royces, 19 businesses, 40 blocks of Manhattan real estate and a flatulent schnauzer named Alexa.

SANCHEZ: She will be included on his Verizon Family Plan but must pay her own roaming charges.

BEZOS: He will have the right of first refusal for all invitations to royal, presidential, sultanate and interglactic events—especially those containing scribbled-in additions like “And bring your wife.”

SANCHEZ: She will have the right to purchase every TV and radio station on which she was “on-air personality” and she was let go from because of unfavorable ratings and/or her spurning the advances of male anchors, general managers, interviewees and intro-to-mass-media professors leading school tours. She will graciously provide each of these individuals with letters of recommendation for jobs based in Fallujah.

BEZOS: His contract with God for, as his lawyer wrote, “eternal life and then some,” will remain intact.

SANCHEZ: She will be allowed a generous allowance to buy him lovely gifts such as golf shirts and a lifetime gift-card to Supercuts.