Photo by Cynthia Larsen

Why Google the Mayo Clinic? They’re very busy there

By Ed Goldman

When Dr. Emilio Quack married attorney Mirabella Wise, the two decided to combine their names—perhaps unwisely. Dr. Quack chose to make Mirabella’s surname his middle name while Mirabella selected Quack as her middle name. The result was that Mirabella is now known as Ms. Quack-Wise, Esq., while the good doctor answers to Dr. Wise-Quack. In fact, he answers to you in today’s column.

Dear Dr. Wise-Quack: For the past 30 years or so, I haven’t physically aged, which is a matter of some consternation to most of my friends, who have. When they complain about their arthritis and forgetfulness, should I do something to join in the whining? I mean, I could tell them, “Yes, you may have a bunch of terrible chronic ailments. But what about me? There’s a painting of me in my attic that makes roadkill look ruggedly handsome.” Do you think this would be a good way to bond with my increasingly decrepit pals? –D. Gray, London

Dear Mr. Gray: What a Wilde idea. I’m pretty sure your friends are going to consider comparing your disintegrating portrait and their daily aches and pains as not only disingenuous but also a false equivalency. Since you don’t sound abundantly educated, let me clarify that “false equivalency” is a term that means, “Ain’t the same.” – W-Q, M.D.

Dear Dr. Wise-Quack: I’ve been hearing a lot that the Med Spa chain uses sperm from salmons in its facial beauty treatments.* My question is: Can my face become pregnant from this process? — Married with Guppies

Dear Married: Don’t be ridiculous. Salmon and guppies never mate, despite the existence of the word “gamine.” You’ll be just fine. But be cautious about attending any receptions where they serve bagels and cream cheese. — W-Q, M.D.

Dear Dr. Wise-Quack: Why do my feet smell and my nose run? – Frankly Confused

Dear Frankly: I hate to break it to you but you’re probably upside down. —W-Q, M.D.

Dear Dr. Wise-Quack: I think I read that joke in My Weekly Reader, circa 1961. – Frankly Confused

Dear Frankly: You may be right. My staff sometimes relies too heavily on A-I for these answers. I’d redirect them to “Milton Berle’s Private Joke File” but since Berle was infamous for stealing other people’s one-liners, it may show up again. In the meantime, try inhaling some Dr. Scholl’s Odor-x Foot Powder. Do it at a Hollywood party and I promise that you won’t go home alone. —W-Q, M.D.

Dear Dr. Wise-Quack: I’d like to try Ozempic but I’m neither overweight nor diabetic and my blood pressure stays steady at 120/80. But several of my friends are using it and I suffer from severe FOMO. Suggestions? — Out Of the In Crowd