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A words-case scenario: Part 1

By Ed Goldman

It’s been 173 years since Dr. Peter Mark Roget (ROW-ZHAY) first published his self-named thesaurus (THESS-AW-RUSS).

Is it simply a coincidence that the word “thesaurus” sounds like a well-spoken dinosaur? Put another way, isn’t it about time for another, more relevant reference book of synonyms? (For younger readers: “synonym” is a word that means the same as another word. It is not the principal ingredient in your favorite airport pastry.)

Accordingly, today’s column introduces the first set of entries in my ROGUE HAZE THESAURUS, an updated collection of words and similar words. You’ll note that many of our synonyms morph into homonyms and possibly antonyms. But never acronyms, which should provide initial relief.

Depending on reader reaction, we’ll either continue this list from time to time or deny we ever thought of it and insist you should be ashamed for thinking otherwise. Today: A through I (though definitely not A-I).

Able: capable; proficient; in years past, followed by “to leap tall buildings in a single bound.” In a slightly different spelling, the planet’s first known victim of fratricide at the hands of the planet’s first known bro’.

Across: lateral; span; what we all have to bear. Also the name of a popular European sport for people who can’t pronounce the letter L (are you wistening, Tom Bwokaw?).

Aghast: shocked; surprised; gobsmacked; what people from Boston shriek after seeing an apparition.

Aplomb: grace under pressure; suavity; small fruit.

Bad: not good; really good; menacing; and, when followed by “dog,” needless name-calling of a creature who innately finds your upholstery a colossal chew-toy.

Belief: credo; tenet; personal doctrine; what an actor about to play Norwegian explorer Erikson must do to get into character.

Benign: harmless; non-malignant; what eight-year-olds will, at their next birthday party.

Callous: cynical; harsh; a finger injury caused by playing “Stairway to Heaven” on a steel guitar 70 times in a row after a lunch of Twinkies, Jolt Cola and crack cocaine. Also, in a varied spelling, a tragic star of tragic operas.

Celsius: a temperature degree measurement that has nothing to do with all-American Fahrenheit readings. I mean, can you imagine that while you’re sweltering through a 95-degree day, some snail-eating weatherman in France is calling it “35-degrees, Celsius”? What’s the deal with Europe?

Coleman: not an oilman; prefix to “stove”; how little kids pronounce my surname; how baristas spell my surname.

Darts: runs quickly; something one throws verbal equivalents of at family reunions; a challenging, highly strategic game best played after one has consumed 17 pints of ale and two pickled eggs.

Death: expiration; end;  prefix for “-defying”, “-less” and “be not proud.” Also considered the ultimate inconvenience if you’ve booked a no-refund trip to the Galápagos Islands where you’d planned to swim with the turtles, not sleep with the fishes.

Debit: arrears; debit; charge; a card that invites hackers to run up your account on such exotic items as Door Dash food deliveries. 

Defiance: resistance; rebellion; what you call de person you hope to go to de chapel with.

El-Hi: grammar school through 12th grade; also what you attain from very good Mexican pot.

Expo: trade show; with the suffix “boy,” a former sandwich.

Frankfurter: a Justice named Felix; a hot dog by any other name; a person who’s candid about his tendency to emit furts during conversations.