A Clear-Eyed Look at Some Wild-Eyed Agencies

Toto, we’re not in the U.S. anymore…

By Ed Goldman

As the Trump administration continues its simultaneous supermarket sweep of government agencies, elimination of civil service jobs, roiling of the U.S. Economy, revival of stagflation, upending of human lives and wholesale shredding of the U.S. Constitution—I hope I didn’t leave anything out—I thought it might be helpful to do some projecting of the Grave New World awaiting us.

As a public service, I’ve broken these into two categories: consolidated (and new) government agencies and expected language changes.

This economy is no yolk

I. Consolidated (and New) Government Agencies

– CORPORATION FOR CESSATION OF PUBLIC BROADCASTING (AKA, ALL THINGS RECONSIDERED). If you miss the details of this, it’ll be discussed on the new NPR shows Mourning Addition and Flesh Hair (with your host, Very Gross.)

– VOICE OF (THE GULF OF) AMERICA. The international radio program, which began broadcasting in February of 1942, will become a 24/7 podcast modeled on TV’s The View. The hosts will be the deposed Duchess Meghan Markle and the decomposing first lady Melania Trump. Discussions will focus on human rights, the cycle of poverty, worldwide hunger and Paris pedicures.

– HEALTH, HUMAN SERVICES, FLUORIDE AND VACCINE ERADICATION. Visit our website (gotohellcitizens dot gov) and click on these awesome online features personally dictated by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. after his morning ritual of gargling razor blades: (a) Baked Bear Recipes; (b) Measles Schmeasles: Is It Contagious or Is It Just Acne?; (c) Why Crest Toothpaste Can’t Really Be “An Effective Decay-Preventive Dentifrice” Because Dentifrice Isn’t a Real Word (or Is It?); (d) Yes, I Really Am Married to Cheryl Hines, and (e) No, She’s Neither Blind Nor Deaf.

– TRANSPORTATION SECURITY, PERSONAL GROPING AND LUGGAGE LOOTING AGENCY. Oops. Sorry. This one already exists under the initials TSA.

– V.A.L.E.T. (Venezuelan Ambiguously Legal Extradition Treatment). This bureau has been established to rid the country of anyone who has tattoos except your daughter (and her moody boyfriend Jayden).

Masterminded by COPFAB Elon Musk (co-president for a bit), agents of V.A.L.E.T. will start hanging around anyplace mariachi music is piped in, night classes in Introductory Spanish and every U.S. city whose name begins with the word “San.” There are 130 of these, according to a list generated by A-I, as was Elon Musk.

– NEW AND LAST RESORTS. This division will oversee the maintenance of recently acquired or remodeled vacation getaways—including EpCanada, Mar-a-Gaza, the Panama Root Canal and DisneyGreenland, Yosemite Sam National Park and Lessened Volcano National Park.

In addition, be sure to pack up the RV for family outings to these historic, now sponsored monuments: Philadelphia’s Liberty-Mutual Bell; Washington D.C.’s Lincoln-Miata Memorial; and New York’s famed Pfizer Statins Island.

II. Expected Language Changes

1. “Trans” people will heretofore be referred to as Boys and Girls. Even if they’re in their 50s. That’s how the White House will be able to identify and persecute them without resorting to armbands, which OK on Third Reich ensembles but clash with Burberry suits.

2. The pronoun “our” is being eliminated from daily usage unless it refers to “us.” If you use it to refer to yourself instead of saying “me,” let’s just say this will not be your finest our.

The following expressions are hereby banned from being used as punchlines for comedians and constitutional scholars: (a) Third Term; (b) Stolen Election; (c) Third Impeachment; (d) Man of Bronze.
The word “warfare” will always be preceded by the adjective “judicial,” replacing “chemical,” “political” and “marital.”
Meanwhile, the word “judicious” will be slightly tweaked to “jewsdidthis” and employed when blaming Israeli air strikes on innocent Hamas, Hezbollah and Iranian civilians just because they were spotted temporarily holding hand grenades and machine guns so the rightful owners of them could use the gas station’s bathroom. Republicans will be encouraged to not use “jewsdidthis” in reference to a specific crucifixion until after we can assess the depth of the Hebrew-American vote in the mid-terms.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).