Some Other Hillbilly Elegies from the Veep

When saying, “Pretty crazy” is offered to pay respects

By Ed Goldman

History will record (and play back at office parties on endless loops) what Vice President J.D. Vance said after learning that Pope Francis died the day after Easter—and just 24 hours after the one and only meeting between him and the Holy Father. “Pretty crazy,” said the man next in line to be the Leader of the Free World—or at least according to the U.S. Constitution (a work in progress).

People were alternately surprised, amused and horrified at Vance’s decidedly less-than-statesman-like reaction to the loss of the beloved Catholic leader. What they didn’t realize is that Mr. Vance later confided to his wife and staff what he should have said when the Pontiff’s death was confirmed:

“I mean, that’s just whack!”

“Can you goddamn believe this?!”

Vati-candor

“Holy smoke, Batman!”

“Are you messin’ with me, Bro’?”

“And I thought I’d seen everything!”

“Who’da thunk it, am I right?”

“No effin’ way!”

“Oh. My. God.”

“Are you serious? Like: totally dead?”

“Eighty-eight years old, critically ill, kinda pudgy. Like, what are the odds? I think I’m being ironic.”

“You’re kidding, right? Is Ashton Kutcher behind that wall with a camera crew and about to yell ‘Punk’d!’?”

“The guy I met is, what, no more? My ass!”

“Has anyone confirmed this with The Big Guy? I’m not referring to the Lord God, as you know.”

To be fair, Vance has come a long way since his early days when other monumental deaths occurred. For example:

– When Queen Elizabeth breathed her last, Vance—who was about to be elected as a U.S. Senator from Ohio—had been practicing a British accent for long hours while binge-watching “The Crown,” “Downton Abbey” and “Benny Hill” (the latter with subtitles). He was supposedly heard to say, “Stiffen the wombats, Guv!” This colorful reaction has since been “walked back” by his staff and replaced by the southern Americanism, “Well, I’ll be hornswoggled.” Once a member of his staff indicated that this meant he’d been deceived or swindled, an updated statement was issued as a hands-across-the-water effort. “I’m totally gob-smacked by the news,” he said.

– Upon hearing that former President Jimmy Carter had died at the age of 100 in 2024, Vance, then the U.S. Vice-President-Elect, issued a news release asking that kiosks exhibiting cans of Planter’s Peanuts be lowered to half-mast—which is to say, placed on a lower shelf on the display rack (almonds, cashews and walnuts would be featured on the top shelves). “Why, I can’t believe I was just enjoying a peanut yesterday,” Mr. Vance said. “In the shell, I might add! This has to be more than a co-inky-dinky.”

– As mentioned above, Vance, a longtime fan of British TV and films, was sorry to hear that the celebrated actress Maggie Smith passed in 2024 while he was on the campaign trail. “She really was a dame, in both senses of the word,” he scrawled on a napkin he’d taken from a doughnut shop and passed to his campaign manager, who rephrased it, only slightly, as “The senator was shocked and deeply saddened by the passing of Dame Maggie Smith.”

– Mr. Vance also mourned the 2024 death of actor James Earl Jones, mistaking him for the similar-named novelist James Jones, who’d died 47 years earlier. “I guess one could say he went ‘From ‘Here to Eternity,'” he remarked. “As a fellow author, I can do wordplays like that without implying any disrespect.” When his wife Usha clarified that it was another James Jones who’d passed away—the man who voiced Darth Vader in all the “Star Trek” films—Vance reportedly sighed. “Luke Skywalker’s dad is now a corpse? You have to admit, that’s really crazy.”

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).