A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
Quibbles & Bits: Common Ground and Questionnaires
Some TGIF Howlers
By Ed Goldman
ME AND 47—I’ve been trying to adapt to the second term of our beloved BLOTUS (Blowhard of the United States) by coming up with things he and I may have in common. I got to 11 and had to lie down for a while.
1. Both of us could begin a sentence with complete honesty by saying, “Now, I’m no economist, but…”
2. Both of us have been having bad-hair days all of our lives.
Necktie party-planner
3. Both of us are lousy tennis players.
4. Neither of us has an affinity for geography nor deal- making but both of us pretend we do.
5. We both like those Daniels kids: he, Stormy; I, Jack.
6. Both of us love our Sharpies. I draw cartoons with mine. He draws and quarters trade partners with his.
7. Neither of us likes Alec Baldwin or Joe Biden very much.
8. We could both stand to lose about 50 pounds. (Across the ocean, convert that figure to euros and yuans.)
9. Neither of us likes to do our homework.
10. Neither of us served in the military—I, because my draft lottery number was 131 the year they drafted guys whose numbers were 125 or less, he because a doctor wrote that he has bone spurs.
11. We both like the color orange: juice for me, face for him.
IRRATIONAL INQUIRER—A reader who shall remain nameless, principally because he was born that way, phoned me with one of those snap questionnaires designed to reveal the respondent’s deepest secrets. Naturally, I accommodated his request—as I do with all requests that are preceded by texted gift cards.
Q: Why is your place such a mess?
A: I gave my housekeeper the decade off.
Q: Do you use A-I?
A: I prefer Worcestershire.
Q: What do you most dislike about our President?
A: Our President.
Q: Your favorite Hollywood-themed dinner?
A: Home Alone.
Q: What do you think of the “woke” movement?
A: I’ve slept through most of it.
Q: How have you demonstrated your commitment to DEI?
A: With affirmative action.
Q: Why aren’t you an atheist?
A: Not arrogant enough, thank God.
Q: In what setting do you feel like you’re the smartest guy in the room?
A: Home alone.
Q: When do you confer with your column’s cartoonist, “Edgy”?
A: When home alone.
Q: Then how do you communicate?
A: Mental telepathy.
Q: Mental telepathy?
A: I am he and he is me and you are thee and one of us may be a walrus.
Q: Which Beatles song is that a reference to?
A: “Yesterday.”
Q: What political columnist do you most identify with?
A: Erma Bombeck.
Q: What word do you consistently misspell in your columns?
A: Misspell.
Q: When do you plan to retire?
A: A few days after I die.
Q: When would you ever consider running for public office?
A: A few days after I die.
Q: Do you have a role model?
A: Kaiser.
Q: The Kaiser?! As in Kaiser Wilhelm?!
A: Oh, I thought you said roll model. It’s hard to hear a silent e on the phone.
Q: We were told you’re a fan of Kipling.
A: I’ve yet to Kipple.
Q: You stole that joke!
A: No, just sampled it. That’s what they call it in the music industry.
Q: Well, don’t they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?
A: Oscar Levant called it the sincerest form of plagiarism.
Q: And how would he have felt about your quoting him?
A: Flattered.
Don’t forget! A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
