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My face has fallen and can’t get up

By Ed Goldman

Perhaps you’ve seen those click-bait ads offering helpful hints, like urging us to always have a bread-package clip in our wallets or to drink a cup of olive oil at bedtime. To learn that “Costco shoppers say this wrinkle cream is actually worth it!” Or to mix toothpaste and beer and “just watch!” (I imagine the latter would produce something that smells like minty horse urine.) 

But wait, there’s more, as they themselves say. Like the timeless admonition that if you have “crepe skin after 60” to “stop moisturizing!” Or the chance to learn “the worst mistakes $1 million + investors make in a down market!” (I imagine that Number 1 would be to buy anything that has to do with financial management from an online prompt.)

The ads range from the innocuous to the inane. But most of them congratulate themselves by using the declaration: “It’s genius!”

Now, “genius” is a word that pretty much lost credibility when, in just a few decades, it went from being used to describe mathematician Albert Einstein’s unlocking a key mystery of physics to comedian Gallagher pulverizing a watermelon. (If you need more proof, Exhibits A to Z would be that Donald Trump calls himself a genius.)

Yet we almost always take the bait if the ads promise us a better or extended life. We even see the cautionary “don’t-ever-do-this” ads, such as the warning to not eat blueberries in the morning, as having value. 

My faves are the dueling “genius” ads. The first states, “These are the Rolls-Royce(s) of hearing aids!” while a second one says, “Forget hearing aids. This simple spray changes everything!” I’m guessing that the spray consists of mace and is administered not to your own ears but to the faces of people speaking too softly for you to hear them. Trust me, once they swallow some mace, you’ll be able to hear them.

And so, sensing another opportunity to make some money without violating my lifetime work ethic to sit down as often as possible, I’d like to present five of my own timeless tips for a better, fuller, increasingly solvent life.

1. ALWAYS HAVE THESE ITEMS IN YOUR PURSE, BRIEFCASE OR FANNY PACK (IT’S GENIUS!): A portable fax machine, a Payday candy bar and a can of mace. The candy bar is just to keep you going. The can of mace is to spray on anyone making fun of your toting a fax machine in your purse, briefcase or fanny pack. The mace may also be used as a substitute for the Rolls-Royce of hearing aids should you want to better hear the person making fun of you.

2. IF YOU MUST SEND $500,000 TO AN ARABIAN PRINCE LOCKED IN A TOWER IN FALUJAH, REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE RULE (IT’S GENIUS!): Always email Monopoly money or Crypto. Since the Arabian prince likely doesn’t exist, and you don’t have a half-million dollars on hand, why not deploy imaginary currency to effect his freedom?
3. REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE RULE ABOUT FINE-DINING: If the menus have tassels, you’re in a class joint. If the waitresses do, pay for the lap dances with Crypto currency.
4. TRY THIS SLEEP-INDUCING AID AT BEDTIME: Warm up a saucepan of Kahlua, add two tablespoons of Nyquil and a dram of crushed Ambien. We call it the NesQuik ‘n The Dead.