Mid East Travel Tips For Tone-Deaf Tourists

Someday you won’t thank me for this

By Ed Goldman

Planning a trip to the Holy Land this Spring? Rumors abound that it may be as inadvisable as dousing yourself with acetone before frolicking in a still-smoldering luau pit.

But international travel can be a broadening experience—especially if you binge on cheese blintzes while retracing the steps of Judah Maccabee’s family in Jerusalem as they looked for a used-menorah shop, resulting in the Feast of Lights holiday which is always mispronounced, Hanukkah.

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Here to help you fill the culture gap are a few low-carb knowledge bites about the region and its people(s):

– While you’re there, it’s best to not inquire about Mid-East peace negotiations. A good operative motto to keep in mind: Don’t Ask/Don’t Tel Aviv.

– Just because you caught a glimpse of a particular sheik doesn’t mean you “Saudi Arabian.” That’s just too reminiscent of, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

– “Israel” is not the opposite of “was bogus.” The latter would be, however, an apt review of Joe Biden’s Mid East peace talks, Afghanistan withdrawal, immigration solution or reelection plan.

– If you dye your shawl beige, you are allowed to utter the terse, declarative sentence, “Afghanistan.” But only once.

– Know your abbas! Abba Eban was a Jewish scholar. Abu Dhabi is the capital of the United Arab Emirates. Abba Dabba Do is what Fred Flintstone yells when it’s quitting time at the quarry. All are to be respected.

– A gauze strip is what you can use to staunch a bad cut from bleeding. The Gaza Strip is a bleeding cut that our current and possibly eternal POTUS thinks will be staunched when he turns the 100-mile land parcel into a hugely unpopular and dangerous resort which will be nicknamed Mar-a-No-Go.

– The proper pronunciation of “sheik” is “shake.” The proper pronunciation of “chic” is “sheek.” So if you see a well-dressed, sarcastic emir enjoying a malt, you can say you’re seeing a chic, cheeky sheik enjoying a shake. I’m not suggesting this would be a good joke to share at a hands-across-the-water reception, especially if the security detail is packing.

– A rabbi is a Jewish teacher and spiritual leader. If he gets bitten by a sick dog, he can become a rabid rabbi rapidly. Even a shake won’t be of any help.

– Hanukkah is not the Jewish Christmas any more than Kwanzaa is the Black Hanukkah. It may confuse some of us because they all arrive around the same time of year—though Christmas actually begins after Labor Day and many Jews light candles every Friday. As they themselves might say with a shrug, “Go figure.”

– Ramadan is not where vacationers have their own little kitchenettes. That’s Ramada Inn. The swami Ramdas, on the other hand, is a revered saint of the Indian people. In other news, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote “The Little Prince.” (You perhaps can see why Google has made me an exception to its free-of-charge rule. In fact, years ago I was forbidden to Ask Jeeves more than 36 questions per click.)

– If you overeat at an Arab bazaar and a doctor asks how you feel, don’t say you “falafel” or the vendor will be blamed.

-Similarly, “pita” is a delightful sandwich wrap, not to be confused with the delightful actress Peta Wilson, who played the title role of “La Femme Nikita.” Meanwhile, non-femme Nikita Khrushchev was the First Secretary of the Soviet Union’s Communist party, who removed his shoe and pounded it on the lectern during a debate but reportedly enjoyed pita sandwiches served with shoestring potatoes. Circle of life, am I right?

– Jews face east toward Jerusalem when they pray, whereas Arabs only do when they’re west of the Kaaba in Mecca. This may explain the expression, “East is east, west is west, home is best, and isn’t it quiet when the goldfish die?”

– Hebrews say, “Shalom Aleichem” when they greet someone, whereas many Arabs say, “Salaam Alaikum.” They sound almost identical and each expresses a wish for peace. We could use some Godsplaining about this.

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Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).