A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!

We have two new government execs. Or maybe five

By Ed Goldman

We begin with a tasteful country tune:

🎶“I’ll grant your pardon
But only when we’re in the Rose Garden
That’s where the press will be:
At least a few of ’em. But not A.P.”

Did you hear, read or psychically intuit that our POTUS now has a Pardon Czar?  She’s former felon Alice Marie Johnson, who served 21 years in prison for cocaine trafficking. This makes her one of President Trump’s few appointees who talks the talk but has also walked the walk—the perp walk. But still. 

And because Trump commuted her sentence—thanks to Kim Kardashian’s butting in (please forgive me, it’s the meds)—Johnson knows what it’s like to be set free after doing time. This should be an enormous help, compassion-wise, since her job will be to recommend individuals for Trump to pardon. She’s likely to send a questionnaire to all wannabe parolees, which will include the following inquiries: 

1. What is your net worth?
2. How much do you love Donald Trump (this is actually a follow-up to the first question and may require some math, so we’re including in your package a pocket calculator from Texas Instruments, which has donated the device in return for promotional consideration )?
3. How large a parcel are you willing to develop in our Mid East protectorate/luxury resort, Mar-A-Gaza? We have attached our POTUS’s community master plan for your perusal—and, of course, your absolute delight when discussing it with the news media, most of whom will now be absolutely delighted by your absolute delight. As you look over the plan, please note the hiking trails, which are currently being hiked by refugees we’ve taken the liberty of evicting for nonpayment of something or other. Other amenities include a water(board) feature and free Wi-Fi on every dune.

But wait, there’s more—or possibly, less! 

Not to be outdone by himself, Trump has also said that U.S. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent can create an Affordability Czar to address high prices in the U.S., a continuing concern which our POTUS said he’d fix on Day One of his new reign of error.

Bessent is one of the newest initiates of the beloved administration fraternity, Lemme Cop A Feel (oh, God! My apologies. The column’s rebellious computer guy, Otto Correct, was goofing on “Lambda Kappa Phi.” That’ll be coming out of his paycheck, believe me).

Saying he’s “laser-focused on” the affordability issue, Secretary Bessent says he’s picking “five or eight areas where this administration can make a big difference for working class Americans.”

Yes, he said “five or eight.” This is akin to a cartoon bully saying he’s about to use fisticuffs to teach a frisky rabbit, pesky mouse or yet-to-spinach-up Popeye “a thing or three.” 

Is it just me or do you also tremble a little at that kind of imprecise math emanating from our laser-wielding secretary? If he’d said “a coupla-three areas” I’d have let that pass because two and three are as close together as numbers can be. But five and eight are three numbers apart.