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Draining my own swamp

By Ed Goldman

Inspired by the maniacally gleeful, rapaciously heartless and possibly illegal fashion in which Elon Musk, aided by his pack of foam-mouthed DOGEs, is firing government employees—then doing some major “oopsies” and hiring them right back (which is always a way to inspire confidence in your decision-making prowess)—I’ve decided we’re long overdue for similar housekeeping here at The Goldman State.

Here’s some Big Data (nobody deploys Small Data anymore): In the five-plus years this column has found its way into thousands of in-boxes, mobile devices, Known Spam folders and Suspect Mail boxes, our largely imaginary staff has multiplied exponentially—and before you can snark, “Zero times zero times zero does not qualify as exponentially,” let me just say that to put out a thrice-weekly column takes a village. I’m not ruling out that it’s a village of idiots. But still.

Now, just because you haven’t met these essential behind-the-scenes worker-bees doesn’t mean they don’t exist or that I shouldn’t have been receiving those Paycheck Protection Program funds for them during the pandemic.

But I’m hearing the laryngitic directive of Co-POTUS Musk loud and clear.  So as soon as I send these employees texts of separation, you’ll have to look in the rearview mirror to locate these once-cherished individuals—people whom I’ve had to dinner in my home, whose children call me Uncle Boss, and whom I now consider completely useless and inefficient even though HR suggests that I write them all glowing letters of recommendation if they’ll reveal the location of my car keys, TV remote and Aunt Monya:   

As you can see, we were no strangers to DEI here. Except for R.U. Shor, who I believe is a Caucasian Sheltie, all are components of the rich ethnic fabric that makes America a fabric of ethnic richness:

a. Repita, as you might have gathered, is Mexican-American;
b. Hi is Japanese-American;
c. Alpha is Hebrew-American, also referred to colloquially as “Jewish”;
d. San Joaquin is Spanish-American;
e. Adam is Trans-American. Born in Great Britain, he takes nightly courses in EDL (English-as-a-Discarded-Language); and
f. Vanna is Sajak-American.

Please rest assured that before issuing termination memos to these highly valued/no-longer-palatable employees, I plan to Muskily ask each of them to fill out forms telling me five things they did last week. Those five things must relate to their titles and job descriptions, merit no worse than a PG rating and be enumerated while the employees adhere to the company’s dress code (casualty-chic).

Extra points will be awarded for specificity, and whether anyone with a lisp can pronounce that word when stoned.